Tears of the Dragon ~ Orchestral Version Bruce Dickinson

   



I think this song sums me up !  Ive changed so much in these last few years, beyond what I thought was possible. I guess I have " thrown myself into the sea. "

Bang On Cue

A damned synchronicity has returned as predicted. This has happened for years. Will this haunt me all my life ? Should I return or try to something that nearly destroyed me ? I don't know. If this goes on for years am I missing a sign post, or is the cosmos just messing me about. Maybe I should rob God of his " sport " ! Make no mistake this is important to me. Ive walked away. Am I meant to go back ? Do I ignore for ever more ? Feeling confused. Ive removed the comments option for this post. Now theres a bloody irony after asking so many questions.

I keep losing site of the bigger picture. Acidic streams erode it. By the end of the day the repairs are done though and normality returns. Ive learnt my emotions and insecurities are not governed by the events that disturb me at all. They are formed independently elsewhere and only mingle with these events through pure coincidence and unfortunate timing. The things that upset us are not the source of our troubled emotions, they are just convenient " pegs " we use to hang our moods on. This is a secret of life and I doubt many even realise it.

Seek And Ye Shall Find ?

Mmmmm, psychological tests. Well a while ago I took one, the on line type I may add. The after affects were quite unpleasant. I did not enjoy the experience. Not only did I fair badly, but I found it very hard to relate to the questions as they were often in the form of very subjective situations often revolving around what traits I thought should be a priority in differing circumstances. Often these were social conundrums that were placed before me, and often ones that I cant relate to, such as a work scenario set in an office or large group of colleagues. I found making a decision on these questions most vexing.
   I don't pretend to be the picture of normality, but I think these tests very quickly demoralise. The very fact that some of us have made it past mentally horrific life events relatively unscathed proves that we are not made of conventional stuff. Conventional thinking would have failed us. The fact I found myself classed as " unhealthy " in this test is nothing to be ashamed of, rather just the taint upon me that events have left. A taint is better than a medicated normality I believe. I witness this difference everyday.
  Still that doesn't take away the deep uneasiness of " failing " a test, but its not the end of the world, and we all know ourselves anyway what our vices are, and we don't really need a test to blatantly tell us our faults. And I just thank my lucky stars that my job does not rest on the results. Well if Im looking for an up side my " aggressive side " and my sense of " individuality " are strong !! I think that's good, no ?? Some may say not... ( and Im sure its an open secret but there is no normality anymore, never mind normal people. Life has put paid to that ! )

Blue Steel: the movie

 


By pure accident I came across this post on You Tube . Remember I wrote about the person I most feared ever being like ? Well, it seems ive found him....

Insert Your Own Caption

Really ?!

Apologies, I know its Christmas night, but what I just heard on my radio is an example of the insanity of fate.  A few days ago a Dustbin wagon ran over and killed 6 people who were Christmas shopping in Glasgow.

 Today a man in Manchester was charged with running over and killing someone. 

But worst of all ive just heard an Ambulance, oh yes, an ambulance in Scotland has run over and killed someone who worked at an ambulance station. This happened in the ambulance station car car park on Christmas day  !!!  There is almost a very dark humour working here.  Whats going on ???   More of these incidents will occur, you watch !


Last year over Christmas a Police helicopter hit a crane and crashed into a Glasgow pub killing I think it was about 10 people. Again this was over Christmas too.

A Dark Fantasy ?

How feasible is a rapid and complete break of our Western society ?  Who really knows ? Well I know from bitter experience how fast the collapse can take hold. About 10 years ago we had a national strike amongst the wagon tanker drivers who delivered our petrol to the petrol pumps. In most reasonable sized towns a tanker arrives every night to top up supplies. After 3 days of picketing and no deliveries, food supplies were running low on shop shelves in the North of our country. Our then Prime Minster Tony Blair happened to be visiting the North East and stumbled upon these scenes. He delivered a prompt press conference saying he was calling in the Army to deliver the fuel. He was literally sweating as he spoke. He was caught unawares as this was happening outside and far from our capitol, London
    Everything is on a knife edge in our society. This fact hit me I remember, when I saw how quiet the roads were, including the motorways during those few days. This is just a little reminder of how fragile or society is, and ive never forgotten it. Extra fuel was delivered of course for the Police Force. Food, Law and Order and the Economy could very quickly have collapsed. It doesn't take much when we rely so heavily on one factor. ie; fuel  Just imagine what could happen if we were armed as many in America are. I don't need to say any more...  

Christmas, My Way.

My Christmas isn't exactly ideal nowdays. Ever since I left school I have never had any full days off work over Christmas, this been mainly due to farm animals needing feeding everyday. There have also been years when problems such as frozen water pipes have obliterated my Christmas spirit. I do manage to have a few afternoons off, but again a certain amount of work is to do everyday. I envy people who have weeks off at this time of year, no wonder they are full of festive cheer. That said things could be worse, its just that it really seems to matter at this time of year. I never really switch off either. Add to this my low mood due to the dark days and things aren't nice.
    My parents are coming to our house for Christmas dinner tomorrow, but are leaving soon after to visit my Sister for a few days, so I will have all the routine work to do on the farm. It will take me a little longer and I shall still get some time during the day off, but it doesn't go down well. and after years this annoyance accumulates. Of course at their age they deserve to get away, but that doesn't help me really. This is the time of year it gets to me. And yes, they are hyped up too...There are quite a few parallels that I can relate too if your less then satisfied with this season, mainly because Ive been there and still am.
   On a positive note my daughter is nearly three and giving her presents is a bright spark in this grotty picture. I guess time off is the biggest necessity needed to enjoy Christmas as without it all is a bit pointless really !

Living Death

Have you ever reached a stage when you feel so utterly saturated by a mood that you start to feel your very soul and body are made up of a single glib emotion that's 100% refelected back at you by every god damn annoying mundane move you make everyday ? Its as if poison has changed my DNA. I feel such a deep anger that its permeated every pore of my body. Outside is a direct connection to this feeling; drizzle, mud, darkness, haze and false Christmas cheer. My mouth is dry, belly too full, eyes tired and forehead sore. I,m trapped in a dark glass, but occasionally my mood lifts briefly , Im free for a moment, then all descends and Im back here again in a prison, kind off. That's a strange idea, why don't I struggle to get out ? Because there is no out side anymore, its all gone. No one fact is to blame either, it just is.


This is seasonal disorder. Thank god it doesn't last too long at this level. I wouldnt last...

Rubbish ! Whats Right Is Unstoppable

If your unhappy or struggling then I don't need to tell you that youre on the WRONG path.

I have to say that the idea that only people who can perceive the supernatural on earth, will  ever  be able to perceive  or enter heaven, is one of the most beautiful, original and intoxicating ideas ive ever heard. Its a truly beautiful thought, and why not ? It makes perfect sense. I feel this idea is a very important sign post. I guess some out there will be no doubt be shaking their heads ! And I would dare anyone to disprove this concept. Period.

My daughter is nearly three years old and I haven't seen a lot of her these last few days, and when I looked at her tonight I got a shock. That toddler she was has gone from her, and the essence of the woman she will become has arrived in her eyes. Her eyes are more outlined and contain more sparkle. She is more little girl than toddler now. Her sentences are long and articulate for her age, though she can still throw a tantrum ! Ive noticed girls when growing up can exhibit short bursts of behaviour in which they appear older than they are , but this is only temporary and easily mis-leading. I don't know why but its worthy of a post somehow.

Two Tribes ?

Well, I had quite a manic night last night, and I did quite a lot of thinking. You know ive come to see there are two types of person, one can see the mystical side of life, and one never will. I am forced to admit that we who can clearly see this world are a step above those who cant. Am I an arrogant 8*$$£%^ ! ?
    Most people just breed, work, then die. Simple. Some find religion and I must say that is a start, well at least some kind of idea has taken route, if none at all occurs then are we not just a drone lost in the masses ? It also saddened me this week to be asked the question-

" Do you sometimes like to see more in life than is actually there ? Are you so bored you need to feel something exists out there ? If so then I can understand why ! "

It was at this point I felt quite sad as this person had no idea and was so far away from realising how I tick that it was tragic. A few days later came the next  corker that made my blood boil -


" Now don't go filling your daughters head full of your rubbish when she gets older ! "

Again a gapping chasm opened up and a dull fury inside me replied that-

 " Maybe I should fill her full of the worlds rubbish instead ! "

I know I have changed in these last 5 years, a lot, maybe more than I even know. Give up and let it go ! You will never reach those who will not see the mystical side of life. They are to busy popping pills and praying !!! Sorry, that was a little harsh, but true as far as my world goes.

I feel a bit unwell tonight as ive finally had to admit something. In fact as I realised the following statement I cut myself shaving. Basically ( and it turns my stomach to admit this ) everything is connected. The people ive come across in life all have connections between each other. It gets worse as these connections are often included to some degree in classic novels and their plot lines. Its sounds mad, but its true and ive seen enough to convince myself. Why has no one ever spoke about this ?? O.k ive simplified this fact as im not able to really explain it in the manner it deserves. All life is connected some what as a pattern or web.

What becomes of the broken hearted ? Why we blog of course !!

"  Each act of man is the twist and double of a hare. Love and Death are the greyhounds that course him... "

I got quite a surprise a few days ago. A blogger I follow who rarely makes a post, and when he does so chooses a casual subject, suddenly posted a long piece stating his dilemma on whether or not to start writing about his recent loss of a girl friend back to a just friends status. He had thought this woman may well have been a good replacement for his ex-wife, such were his feelings for her...This was a very big change in his blogs subject manner, and if he happens to read this then I hope he decides to tell his story. Again rather like me he has the occasional reader ( maybe ) in the real world which is slightly putting him off. I think he will soon post, well Im hoping so. We are often all in the same boat I think at one stage of life or another.

Suffer The Children

So far this month ;     A Mother jumps to her death with her baby near Bristol

                                   A dead baby is found in a bin at Richmond in Yorkshire

                                   Today a dead baby has been found in a recycling station at Bradford

                                   And finally a Vicar and daughter have been charged with concealing a birth
                                   and suspicion of murder


We have a pattern here, but why ???

I Am A Disgrace !!

Im in a damned funny mood at the moment. This week I awoke with a searing pain in my legs and could barely walk. Although a bit better now Ive been for an X-ray as it keeps occurring now and again. I hobble through the cold pissing rain. Isnt it great ?

Second whinge is my mouth. My gums are so sore ( but nothing to see ) that Im having trouble eating which isn't fun at all. Im also foul tempered and foul mouthed at the moment. I admit Im a disgrace just now. My seasonal disorder is worsening and I lack any motivation.

As expected though Im enjoying my blogs more again and seem to be tapping into some new and old seams. I also am planning to train a new sheep dog puppy next year and I shall make post updates on Drifting. I really need something like that at the moment to focus on. It will do me the world of good.

Why am I renewing all my tools too ?

Life is in slow motion
24hours feels like a week

 

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2868352/How-Red-Sea-really-parted-Moses-used-knowledge-tides-ensure-safe-crossing-Israelites-instead-waiting-miracle-expert-claims.html?ito=social-facebook       http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2868352/How-Red-Sea-really-parted-Moses-used-knowledge-tides-ensure-safe-crossing-Israelites-instead-waiting-miracle-expert-claims.html?ito=social-facebook

Is ending better than the mending ?

Sometimes we cant understand why certain situations end. We cant see a reason why. Some things end for no other reason than they must. This is not caused by any actions of you, or indeed anyone else. There is a higher reason and it is just so. If you are caught feeling puzzled and lost at your loss, then whatever you coveted had probably left before you realised. We do not set the working life of any situation . Not every event has its defining characteristics built by those involved, again a higher force is often working.
   I do however know that what affects us mentally will affect the body one terrible day. A while ago I experienced this as I tried to speak to someone, but my mouth would not open physically. It was the damndest thing. Very unsettling, I felt betrayed by my own mind. I guess it finally got sick of the trauma I put it through. Yes, eventually the body will rebel, ive seen it in others to. Its the final halt, and when it happens it is way too late to fix things...

Elemental, nature spirit or seasonal entity ?

This morning as I lay in bed a strange image suddenly appeared as a vision in my minds eye. It was not my imagination, it was far too clear and it happened too fast for that, and it was not proceeded by any kind of thought. This is not the first time this has happened, though its a few years since the last one.
  What I saw was a very vivid image of an shapeless dark jade green rock type object that spun upon its self constantly as it passed very quickly through my minds eye, very much like a comet really. Upon its surface were tear dropped patterns of blue and red. This was all over in a second, but I sensed the objects majesty and power as the object revolved past my minds eye. It was all it was, and nothing more. I sensed no emotion accompanying it, only grandeur and a cold simple existence of it symbolising what I think is a seasonal entity. Colin Wilson may have called it an elemental or nature spirit. I strongly sensed that, and I find it essential to include this to make clear how profound I feel this image was.
  A while ago I saw a very vivid image of two animals dressed as humans in blacks of great richness and textures. They were too real. Again if you have had a vision you will know the difference between imagination and day dreaming. If youre reading this blog then you have probably experienced something similar.

On a night like this...

Tonight a storm is blowing. The wind is roaring through the tree tops and we have lost electric to a few lights in an ancient farm building that was built in the 1800's. Its a large long stone building with round windows and arch ways. It often loses electric in stormy December, and it always then takes on an brooding atmosphere when its all pitch black as it would have been once years ago.
   This building dominates the whole farm yard. At this time of year I feel a direct line back to the olden days, its in the atmosphere of a stormy night such as tonight. Its a tight precise aura. Its always been this way all my life. It just takes a December night like this to unleash it and bring it all to the surface again for a short while. Its a morose feeling, an icy feeling, but not threatening.
   This building used to house slaves as late as the 1800's and was owned by the notorious Sith family who were one, if not the last people in Britain to give up slavery, not for moral reasons like everyone else, but only when the law finally demanded they did so. Last Spring some of their descendants chatted to me as they were looking around the Manor House next door as it was and still is up for sale. They were rather apologetic when I asked who they were. I guess their family name still carries notoriety.
  So what happened to the slaves of Dent once they were released ? Well legend has it they went beserk and attacked the locals. They were then rounded up and killed in a river which ran red ! Yes I live in a strange valley. I could tell you some modern horror tales that have happened here, but you wouldn't believe me !




Whernside Manor is just one of the sites rumoured to have been the inspiration behind Wuthering Heights. The above is our barn which joins Whernside Manor grounds. I recall a character who lived in an out building in the novel, who is described as peering out of a round window at the beginning of the book. This character looked after the visitors horses in the novel, and  strangely horses were kept in this building of ours long ago at one time as the steel loops they were tied to are still intact out side, as are the hooks on which the livery was hung...That seems like a nice piece of evidence  to support the fact that maybe Emily Bronte did visit here in the past. Who knows ??

Tickford Capri

                            "  Hubcaps on my eyes, devils sympathise... "

Oh, I say !

Ive noticed a rather wry or crass sense of humour that creeps into war. Maybe its a defence mechanism, maybe its designed to boost moral ? Writing slogans on bombs is a relatively new idea, but I came across a chilling and sarcastic example of this humour while watching a series about the World Wars. One of the first prototype tanks to be used in anger in WW1 had painted on its side in gay bold happy letters
 " Oh, I Say ! "  I guess it was a slight understatement of what the German soldiers might have been thinking or saying as they saw this machine advancing towards their lines for the first time. I guess humour was as precious as gold in this terrible field of war, maybe it was all men had left ?

Dior J'adore - "The future is gold" - The new film

    



"  The past can be beautiful, the memories...but its no place to live... "

It Cant Be Accidental

There are some very nice cars out there that stand out from the crowd, and there are some cars that stand out from the crowd, but for all the wrong reasons. The smart cars look nice, and  are often modified, low and well polished. They stand out on the street and hit you in the face.
   Now equally as fascinating to me anyway is the much rarer car that grabs my attention for the wrong reasons. It is often comically filthy, battered to ridiculous degree and has various  loose body work half hanging off . Wheels are often rusty, interior full of rubbish. Both these classes of car do not exist by accident. Both are the product of a conscious effort. Both owners are showing off in my eyes, and are equally happy with their creations...
  I sometimes look at the comically battered cars, those that have taken real effort to achieve a level of such deterioration, and wonder just what kind of life the owners lead. Are the rest of their lives lived in such a reckless nihilistic manner ? Make no mistake those owners are just a voyeuristic as the polished show car driver, but in a more twisted rebellious way.

Essence of December

 

 

 

 

Swinging from boredom to revulsion. This is going to be another classic December. Already daily Im with drawing, condensed now onto this blog. Strange how each December the darkness increases greatly past a point or length of time you thought you could recall compared to last year. My moods like death and its only the start of the month...However this is a productive state of mind and Im writing poetry, its dark and some may find it unpalatable. It will get weirder yet Im sure... Oh, and has the whole world logged off ? My fb and blog are suddenly barely getting any traffic, all of a sudden as well. Im blaming the shopping season !?

Anthrax - Belly Of The Beast [Lyrics]

Somethings running out. Somethings ending. Everything is irritating, especially my other blog. Its an annoyance. It might expire for a while.

" Everything ends, everything breaks, everything passes "

Hakim - Anabalina

   


One of  Gi gi D'agostino's  more inventive mixes...

If we cant trust ourselves...

If a man based on his extensive experiences of another race deems that race evil, he is labelled a racist.

If a man with no dealings involving a particular race decides that race is evil, then he is deemed an ignorant racist.

Attack of the Cone Heads

I was in a large crowd yesterday and suddenly I had an epiphany that all the men had the same facial traits, that is they all had pointed noses and narrow faces. I shall call this clan the cone heads for want of a better phrase. Men with round faces such as my own have become the minority. It has not always been this way as I remember joking with a friend twenty years ago that actually the reverse was true, but something has changed. This cone head type result is particularly strong in the next generation locally to where I live. In fact its getting comical (no, not conical ).

   Another general trait Ive noticed was during my holiday to Glastonbury. I felt that the men there seemed taller and stronger than they used to be. I was in a play ground with my daughter pushing her on a swing, and I felt like I had stumbled in on a super race, and I am not short. It was uncomfortable. I felt acutely that I was not as they were at all. I felt like a breed apart. I am not like " them "

  .Glastonbury is very good at making you look within yourself and cruelly analyse who you are compared to who you would like to think you are. After a few days you realise you are not living true to yourself, in fact I started to get the feeling I was a living lie. I guess this was just the different sides of me being made to face each other. They say that Glastonbury can do that to you and that people often go there at particular times of change in their lives. I saw a lot of couples whose children had left home and were now searching for " something " ( well that was my perception ) Any way I straying from the point.

  Of course my own facial bone structure is very negro. I make no ( I was going to write " bones about it " lol ) Where this has come from I suspect is the slave trade. You see it was only in the 1700's that slavery was common place in the valley where I live. I surmise, well you can work it out ! Nope, I never will be part of the cone head clan, and as their numbers grow even my genetics may secombe to their pointy face unstoppable march.


P.S   My daughter is not a cone head !

Remember Me: Trailer - BBC One

 


Ive just started watching this fantastic three part contemporary horror series starring the Monty Python's Micheal Palin. Whats so good about it ? Well its been filmed in the North of Britain, and often at dusk at that special time that comes just before a pitch black night descends. I recognise that special light and I know it appears in the month of December. The colour of the landscape is also recognisable to me as quite local too. I like the fact that water is present in various forms as an evil force manifests. Even the light in the key characters abandoned home is right, it actually looks right for Winter. Accuracy is what makes this drama so scary Oh, and the terrifying Eastern female ghost !  The dream within a dream sequence is something ive experienced and I believe such events are certainly more than a dream...I think part two is on tonight. I guess I-Player will contain the series though.

Its All Backwards !

As I watched a news story tonight ( which one is not important ) I realised that todays news coverage breaks down a story by the gradual questioning of an originally solid observation. Yes, a statement is made and then dissolved slowly by considering both angles in turn. By the time the news item has finished you know NOTHING !
  Of course its quite healthy to consider both sides to a story and debate them, but lets see this done at the start of a story, and then see the reasoning of facts involved in moving towards that more concrete final conclusion.  Its not about being biased though, its all about a need to work towards a clearer picture instead of a news story that ends, or drifts into a state of entropy. What use is that to anyone ? Now lets get it the right way around !

Today I saw the car registration   LEO 23

Once Upon a Time...

 

 

Its strange, it was only a short while ago that I considered calling it a day on this blog. After all the situation that was causing me all my stress has now faded away, so has this blog reached its end then ? Well no, as I am the product of the experiences Ive been through, and I dont think the things recorded on this blog are going to grow less important to me. In fact my journey continues...
   As if confirming this outlook today the stats for this blog are now a third higher than for Drifting Sideways. I never thought I'd see that day. This blog was originally an after thought where I posted my more extreme views  ( remember the old abandoned room background ? ) .It wasn't long however before this blog found a more meaningful purpose, and became a very bespoke tool, and quite frankly at times its come close to the bone as they say. I never post links on fb too this blog, if people visit, its by their own devices.
  If a blog had to go, I guess it would be Drifting Sideways as strangely that's the one with the most memories to the past. Of course this time last year I tried amalgamating the two for a while. I was never satisfied compromising, and probably annoyed everyone in the process, including myself !

Nothing Too See But Open Skies

I sometimes envy those who get to stand on the edge of a precipice, and only they themselves can judge whether or not they are going to plunge into a life changing spiral, say of career, location in their continent ect. Yes, I am kind of  envious of that state of mind ,or flux, the control one has over circumstances, and having the pure freedom of the possibility of change ahead.
  I remember the moment I found out my wife was pregnant against the odds, I was in Cornwall on holiday. I was so shocked at the sudden change of events we drove all the way home immediately, despite having two days holiday left. I just couldnt settle. All the way home I had a view of the full moon in my cars side mirror. That was a haunting experience, I guess it was the adrenalin. I shall never forget that all night drive home knowing nothing was going to be the same again. No, I wasn't happy then, but I knew what was required. It all felt out of control though in the moment, and that was quite exciting in a strange way.
  I guess the fact ive never moved about contributes to this rather silly, ill thought out fantasy, but it is a situation I guess due to my work and family ties I will never experience ( I hope, oddly. You know what I mean.. ). Ive spoken to people who have experienced life changing moments involving travel, and they tell me Im lucky to have not gone through such a thing, they often go on next to tell me that they envy my constant life rhythm. I guess whatever we don't experience we dream to try...

The Golden Blog: A startling discovery

The Golden Blog: A startling discovery: I found myself reading a book yesterday about the history of a valley near where I live called Grizedale . It was once a thriving place in ...

Of the Problem of Face Book and the World in General

" ...then Father Perdurabo laughed. But those disciples nearest him, wept seeing the Universal sorrow. Those next to them laughed, seeing the Universal joke. Below these certain laughed. Then others wept. Others next laughed. Next others wept. Next others laughed...

Last came those that wept because they could not see the joke, and those that laughed lest they should be thought not to see the joke, and thought it safe to act like Father Perdurabo.

But Father Perdurabo laughed openly. He also at the same time wept secretly; and in his self neither laughed nor wept. Nor did he mean what he had said. "  



O.K this is very deep to be linked to Face Book, but it captures how vastly perceptions vary from person to person, and how any statement made must not be taken too seriously, as peoples motives for their reactions or what they appear to say are not always straight forward by any means. This is particularly true in a crowd or even on Face Book I suppose...   : )

Moon Magic

Midsummer sun
In midnight Winter sky
Moonlight hangs heavy over these hills tonight
Ethereal silver mist dissolving all that's mundane
A fairy tale landscapes defining this dale 
Unseen things flitter seen barely from eye
Their unknown trajectory
From some other side

Rich velvet shadows float darkly, no sound
Childhood exuberance echoes around
An ordinary room conducts taps and those cracks
Sparkling with something that's trying to get back
To what and to where ?
Its deviations abound
Like rain on my window
A familiar sound


2014 /  My Poetry

Simon Webbe & Kristina Argentine Tango to 'El Tango De Roxanne'- Strictl...

   


O.K this as a strange one, well the fact I found myself sitting watching Strictly Come Dancing was strange to start with last Saturday night, as I never normally pay much attention to it. And then BOOM ! this archetypal dance ends with a move that appeared to me to be very much an imitation of The Hanged Man that appears in the Tarot card pack. Ive never had anything to do with the Tarot system myself, as I find the present challenging enough without adding any complications to my perceptions... anyway check out what happens at 1:35 and decide for yourself  !   

THE ALMIGHTY - Takin' Hold

     


" ..now the Woodstock nations the Pepsi generation, if kills me gotta find my salvation... "

The Fear

Some will have a vivid mental image of the life they aim for, or would want to live if it were possible. An ideal lifestyle. An ideal existence even. I do as well, but I also have a vision of the opposite; This is the fear that my life may have been but for the grace of God, like some that I see out there. You see some people just living empty dull existences, they are fat, lazy, have fat lazy children, eat junk all the time, drive dull cars, watch mindless T.V series, buy cheap clothes ect. You see them and they are totally unaware of how they live, and worst of all they will leave NOTHING behind of any use when they leave this planet. They will have consumed vast amounts of energy to produce nothing. Their lives will have been spent sleep walking from one calamity to the next. Can you imagine the horror of living like that and not even being aware of it ? To have even a hint of substance and style in your outlook, work or even personal possessions I feel is essential  somehow. Does that sound shallow heaping so much onto the meaning of worldly possessions ? Im no style guru for sure, but I find pleasure in simple, rugged quality items. Maybe Im in love with the idea of our higher selves being reflected in our lower ? Yes, that's it ! Nailed it !

As the days darken

Just how have we got here ? Really !  Ive danced a strange dance for years, in fact I danced so hard I lost all track of time, and Ive finally come to a halt in a sublime time. Nothing much excites me at the moment. Days are dark and short. Money is short as is passion for anything much. Im bouncing along on a tepid tide of nothingness, punctuated by dawn and dusk. I have no reason in anything and Im as flaccid as the mealy taste I have stuck in my mouth, the taste of a  corrupted digestion of the everyday things which many say should indeed be my saviours. Im haunted by the past and loss of times again. There is no equivalent replacement future.
    Its odd, a peak experience. Its not just the moments when you were experiencing your little victories, mostly it was how I felt in between these events. These in between times spanned weeks, but I felt the ecstasy all through these interludes, and maybe it was these interludes that charmed me the most, a kind of back ground peace of mind. I miss that heady feeling. Here's an excerpt from something I wrote a couple of years ago that sums it all up....


"  When he woke up the cold Autumn rain had cleansed the streets. It was time to leave the filthy terraced house for good. The final yellow leaves of Autumn were falling to the ground. They could not out number his tears. Black skeleton trees revealed them selves.
   The emptiness was over whelming. He missed the sea, the caves, the Summer moon, both half and full, the thunder, full clouds, the torrential rain. A snatched smile, a moment of magic fulfilled. He missed the pull of the tide.
   He had chased the dragon all Summer, and only when it lay down at his feet did he feel any resemblance of peace. No longer could he feel the luxury of submission. Recent victories seemed to have followed the lunar cycle, but he couldn't be sure... "


As the days shorten my mind narrows. It narrows down and down onto a singular emotion. This is dangerous, its also the essence of magic no less. Its my gift and my curse. Spring begins the ascent again, Autumn the bumpy descent, Winter the dull dream like state of unreality, the kaleidoscope of reality, but im churning on empty this year.

Sun V Moon

Quote of the week   "  Its not that time of the month, its that time of the day "   

                                  

A Peculiar Blast from the Past / Future

Its quite shocking. Well over a year ago I gave a friend a Dion Fortune novel to read, and today her new profile picture resembles the front cover. She has become the image no less. Strange thing is I always new this would be so. This is making me smile ! Things work in a strange way echoeing and blending all possibilities. I havent spoken to her for long while, but i,m sure she has grown into an interesting young woman, in fact thats one thing I dont doubt.

Its getting very silly now. I can barely talk to anyone I see on a regular basis without the number 23 being mentioned. Im having a job to keep my face straight during conversations and the context in which 23 is being used is getting ever more varied.

Green Day - Brain Stew/Jaded [Official Music Video]

Thrashings

I sometimes think about stopping this blog as recording these subjects is a lonely business. Of course I only reflect what I see and the thoughts I have on to here. If I stopped writing the only thing that would change is nothing. Today an unfortunate happening that arose from actively trying to avoid a past mistake resulting in an even more dangerous event occurring. Ive written about it on my other blog. I shouldn't trust my instincts tonight. I don't really know why im scrutinising this blog, its only reflecting whats out there. Ive had enough worldly troubles and unworldly happenings to strain my sanity. Im tired.

If we avoid death by a millimeter, thats enough...

Diabolical

Why are events so dark at this time of year ? Here is a nasty little story of coincidences. Ive gradually noted more of them over time. Today a woman was killed and cannibalised in Wales by a man recently released from prison. When I listened to the news story the first name of the deceased made me prick up my ears. Then the surname of the killer was given out, and again a chill went through me. You see these two names when put together were the name of a person who was notorious in my sphere for her recent actions, even Wales was relevant. I admit Im highly suggestible but over time I see more of these little pictures. They almost seem a mockery or mimic or a twisted homage to a distant and unrelated event. I dont know what you call this sort of thing, and maybe I dont want too.

Anythings possible / nothings likely...

Asylum 1972

     





This is one of my favourite horror films and Hammer films of all time. Basically, are the inmates of an asylum really deluded, or have they just experienced a strange side to life ?  A new doctor arrives and is set the task of identifying which inmate was until recently the manager of the Asylum ! OK the special effects are dated, but the stories are good. Of course the opening theme music sets the tone brilliantly.
    Hammer produced another similar film around then too. It starred Donald Pleasance, and it was called  Tales that witness madness, but I cant find that on You-tube unfortunately. I must admit it too is another favourite film of mine.  Again the manager in this second film, also set in an asylum has to admit that the inmates are all actually telling the truth...Spooky

Sun / Moon

If a man does a great deed  because of a woman or solely for a woman then that which he achieves will often amount to  nothing ! Well, thats one persons opinion I read with amusement recently, and judging by what Ive seen in some peoples lives its an accurate statement too ! Are men and women so incompatible ?

I read once that a man goes through a complete mental Sun cycle in 24 hours

A woman's mental cycle of course is deemed as being over 28 days, so its a long varied affair and often confusing to a man as the gradual waxing and waning's are hard for him to judge !

SUBJECTIVE / MYSTICAL RUBBISH ?   Well no, as hormonally at mans cycle's peaks and troughs in 24hours and a woman's bodily hormonal cycle takes 28 days. This medical fact backs up the mystical idea of man being like the Sun and woman being as the Moon

The Sea Priestess

Last Spring while on holiday near Glastonbury, I decided to made a particular effort to visit the coast beyond Weston-Super-Mare. This sandy dune like area is known as Brent Knoll. Dion Fortunes novel The Sea Priestess was set here, so I was very excited to finally visit the area.
   Having found Glastonbury so dark and unsettling, this area with its brilliant unfiltered bright sunlight seemed to free me from a dark mood and tension I felt had been building up in me. I felt a great relief on visiting this area, and I actually regained my holiday spirit that was so lacking near The Tor. Anyway I came across a church, St Johns I think it was called from memory. In the grave yard there I found this quite disturbing tree growing. Quite why it hadn't been removed or cut down I don't know.
   On a lighter note I later passed the ISIS caravan park ( as in the Egyptian goddess sense ) This made me smile as its naming must surely it be a nod towards Dion Fortune, surely ?  LOL

There comes a gust of wind from the North that blows across our farm yard every year at this time. Its cold blast symbolises that Winter has arrived. I acknowledge it every year. I wait for it every year, and surely enough it comes. Tonight there has been such a gust.

Over the weekend three surfers drowned at Mawgan Point in Cornwall ( yes, that pronunciation )

Die daily

Tonight the clocks finally change. Winter can finally be felt. Trees are finally losing their leaves. Summer is dead, cue darkness, moisture, coolness and wind. Its an intimate time. Interests become intense, out looks short, passions and desires seem nearer. Thoughts are radiant. I welcome all this as Im ready for a change of season and mind set... Bring me windy nights and stormy days and the end of that silly " hysterical optimism " of Summer !

Guns N' Roses - Yesterday (Official VIdeo)

Its strange. Life later than 5 years ago seems no longer to have existed

It struck me today that the very fact that a connection continues in some form or other with  persons we treasure , however small,  and in what ever context , suggests that such a long sequence or train of events cannot be ruled out as trivial. Sometimes a real world connection can fade, blaze or lie dormant. Sometimes it transforms to be purely online despite being once a real flesh and blood connection, almost an Avatar if you will. And of course there are connections that were born on line as well and will never become " real world ". Whatever were looking at, long term events cannot be deemed as meaningless. Time does not measure ???

Somethings returning

Tonight I copied a short story I wrote 3 years ago onto my poetry/ writing blog. As I did so I sat in my kitchen with the wind howling round the kitchen window just as it did years ago. I now feel hyped to perhaps write again, but not sure if I can now old circumstances how passed. Ive suddenly remembered how fulfilling writing was back then. Recent brief poetry ive written has lifted my mood too. Ive spent too long sat bored at night. Heres hoping for some inspiration, but not the up heaval that so often accompanies those times and seems necessary to fuel anything of substance !

Gigi D'Agostino - Deeper ( Underconstruction 3 )

This afternoon I wrote some poetry as the North wind howled  around my house. I have no idea where it came from as it did not sound like my usual efforts. It came from somewhere that wasn't there before. Admiration is a powerful emotion, especially when its not based on the usual male, female malarkey...

The Panics - 'Don't Fight It'

Time for a break

I might be done on this blog for a while. This happens periodically when I get a little to close to the truth. I have made some progress recently. A goal has been achieved.   32 maybe ahead, maybe...There is a blasting North wind rattling my windows. Leaves are falling from the trees. I am at peace, for now.

Well its not quite that bad...

The Almighty Jonestown Mind

Keep on the ball

There are brief periods in which the general laws of possibilites are suspended and anything is possible. These times pass over without warning. To experience one is unlikely. They are found by chance. Are they responsible for prayers answered, or luck ?

" You wont want me, I see ghosts in all I do.... "

Whats really eating me

I have something I need to return to before it destroys me. I shall go to it before it comes to me. Its already made the first move. Death or glory time folks. The end or the beginning...

The Almighty - Ultraviolent (Crank)

 


All the people ive most loved and admired, both male and female, have all ended up on medication of some kind. This does not bode well for me finding peace of mind at all...lets be honest.

There is only 1 question ladies and gentlemen :     ?     !     

Basically, whats the shocking reason for my current mind set  ? 
I feel like destroying something.
I could pour infinite energy into the right thing...

" Toy town, toy town, toy town, its the place for all your hopes and dreams.
   Toy town, toy town, toy town, nothing here is as it seems... "

9 - Change at the highest level

I may delete this in the morning !

Its probably a direct cause of the full moon, but tonight  Im thinking about all the people who have moved me so far in life, and wondering just how they've viewed me in the past. These people were not great examples of morality or conventional types. A long running theme of corruption ran through them. Maybe it was their free spirit I fell for ? Well if you don't have a free spirit whats the point of it all ? Nothing was ever consummated in these friendships. and I was always left high and dry. But that happens to everyone anyway, consummated or not though doesn't it !!!
   Im hungry. What I need to sustain me is rare as Ive waffled on before. Yes, when I find what I need it starts eat at me until the very ground beneath me is eroded away and I find my balance toppled. So to re-cap; that which I desire destroys me, and without it life is not complete. This process is a powerful one that lasts for years. As you can see from my blogging history Im a consistent bugger ! I am who I am and things are changeable.
  I sometimes think I create situations of uncomfortableness as a distraction, but from what exactly ? Ive chased dreams. Ive lived alright, even though ive never travelled far. There is one constant theme that's run through the years and that is I cannot hold onto that which I find of value. Thats the joke of life. I have only been like this for 5 years though. It feels like a life time though. I cant remember much about how life felt before. My experiences ran in tandem with the pace of changes that life normally moves at, so going back is impossible. Just where the hell have I drifted too ??? Well ive drifted to parenthood. This is not a get out of jail card for free though.
  Funnily things can be divided into what Ive fought for and that which came to me,or returned to me, or what I stumble upon. Fighting against the tide is no fun for long. Growing up I found myself constantly wanting to bond with my Sister or play together, but we never agreed on much as children ( and still don't ) Some search for females that compensate for their mothers short comings. Maybe I do the same but in a sibling non consummating way ? It a thought, and quite a deep one, but we ramblers have to get to the bottom of our " shit " or we aren't gonna find many happy endings. If you are reading this blog then I guess like most people you have baggage, and will be relating to what I say.

Home under the moon

Yes, I know Ive closed the 23 entries but...

Its incredible Im back exactly where I was last year to a " T "  But why ? I have even had slight contact on line with a person who will soon start ignoring me again, in fact I think its started today ( and of course it will ) Some return to your sphere against all odds. Some people you cannot reach despite all your efforts. I have a crystal clear perception of this this morning.

A fine observation !

" Mass is a magical ceremony performed with the object of endowing a material substance with divine virtue; but there is no material difference between the consecrated and non consecrated wafer. Yet there is an enormous difference in the moral reaction upon the communicant. Recognising that its principal sacrament is only one of many of an infinite number of possible experiments in talismanic magic, the Church has never denied the reality of the Art, but treated its exponents as rivals. She dares not lop the branch on which she sits !!! "

Moonchild / A. Crowley


Ive had arguments on other blogs with people much more articulate than me about these things, but here I have the winning quote. Its the above example that's the reason so many Christians get all hot and bothered on some blogs. They scream faith as the be and end all, thus losing the argument as they unintentionally prove that its all about perceptions. And how can any ones perceptions be proved wrong ? Ive posted before that the mystical and occult and religions must all be treated as the same, but  we live in a hypocritical world.

You dont need to see it to know its coming...full moon

" Some people, " he had said quite seriously, " have one brain ;some have two. I have two. "
A minute later he added: " Oh, I forgot. Some have none at all... "   Cyril Grey / Moonchild by A. Crowley

Well should I go ?

I have just found out Im invited to a baptism of a pregnant friend by full immersion in water this Sunday, the night of the Full Moon. Never have I seen such a collision of water/spirituality/ and moon magick/ feminine forces ! Damned Occultism if ever Ive seen it, whether intentional or not !!!

Throwing light on a dark horse....

I have finally taken a photo that captures the real essence of me, as opposed to the usual lies the camera  tells....

Dull new world ?!

Its true ive lacked a bit of inspiration recently. I went through a crisis a while ago that damned near destroyed me, but its passed now, although like the tide I still feel its pull now and again. Mostly nowadays my time is taken up with work or my daughter .

  Im sure a part of me has died, or had to In order to become something sustainable. I don't see anyone to talk about deep things with anymore. Everyone I know is busy, very busy. Im more content with my own company than I was. That was what I lacked 6 months ago. I was weak, tired emotionally and too dependant on others. Ive watched a transition in all my age groups lives. Transition is disturbing...

   Back then I read so many times about how it was foolish to rely on others. Today I see why. I learnt my lessons the hard way. Loose a friend ? Well I just give a mental shrug of my shoulders now, as its their loss. Life is simpler today. But can I do simplicity ?

  Despite this I feel that which I write about on this blog feels more real recently. Ive simply had to accept there is an unexplained presence in life that reveals its self slowly. I had a disturbing experience at Glastonbury  last Spring which I shall try and post about. Since then I feel bad luck or beyond luck has stalked me. I smile a grim smile as even this is a break from the mundane. At the time a trainee Deaconess at Wells Cathedral offered to pray with me about what Id felt  I had been exposed to. I declined but know wish i'd taken up her offer.

     Glastonbury has made me more parental and fatherly somehow, but this is still only 50% of me. Ive change physically since that holiday to, which is odd. That holiday was the death of part of me that was weaker, so of course it felt unpleasant. As I have someone worth telling again, I shall write. As ever water plagues me, it gurns, it shrieks all over the country, where ever I go. I shall film and post !

 

Quatermass and The Pit Trailer

 


I caught this classic horror film on TV the other night, and it had been a long while since I last watched it. So long in fact that I saw new things in the films plot that had originally past me by. I guess Im a different person since I last watched it...
  Basically the film is about a scientist who discovers a buried vessel, or metal cocoon . The site in London where its discovered  turns out to have had an ancient reputation for hauntings, and the unexplained. Inside the craft a symbol of a pentagram  is even discovered !
  It all appears to be an occult event then ? Well no, it  turns out to be all alien, and Professor Quatermass suggests that hauntings, the paranormal or sightings of demons seen at the crash site all throughout  history are due to the side effects of  people having been living at too close a quarters to the buried alien craft.
  The alien idea for explaining occult happenings also turns up in many H.P Lovecraft stories. In fact ive just this week furnished reading " The Lurker on the Threshold " which finishes up at such a conclusion. I dont have a particular view either way, but its an interesting idea, and like so many on this blog its un-provable ! Are altered perceptions the result of an extra outside presence on earth ? Its impossible to argue against and rarely put forward, even in the world of films.

The use of the number 23  in the following posts here refers to the interpretation that Aliester Crowley gives to it in his  " The Book of Lies "

23- Cumbria traffic plans ! (yes, really )

Cumbria County Council are to spend 2.3 million ( 23 -Get Out ) on methods to try and get people OUT of their cars when entering the town. Yes, another humorous example of the number 23 cropping up as a pun again. I have other humorous examples on this label.

This is my last post on 23 appearing, as I am now convinced that this number turns up in subjects that require drastic change and can not continue in their current state. More amazing is the fact it often crops up in fun as a pun. Thats odd and beyond coincidence, and I accept that it has the power or is drawn to certain circumstances. I now 100%% believe that's so, and ive nothing more to say on the matter ! Its a fact. 

When September Comes

I always find an empty atomosphere descending on my house in September. Rooms feel empty and there is a total lack of energy in the house. Evenings are the worst. Maybe its the darker nights, but Winter does not feel like this. It could be the Summers energy winding down. Lighting my new wood burner helps. Why does fire add so much to a room, its the only thing that can make a dent in this emptiness.
  September also has some bad memories for me, the death of a Grandparent, having to move from our first flat, a family members breakdown ect, yes the hazy days of September subcontiously despite their beauty bring these events back to me. Also on the farm its a time when stock is sold and the fruits of all your work are measured against your expectataions. It can be a stressful time, but again the next farming year begins.
  Schools go back, teenagers have gone to University this time that I know. A new cycle is beginning. I have a bad back. I need a hair cut and Im very busy and some say grumpy, but that's nothing new...

Here is a Budha factory I found earlier, as you do...