As the days darken

Just how have we got here ? Really !  Ive danced a strange dance for years, in fact I danced so hard I lost all track of time, and Ive finally come to a halt in a sublime time. Nothing much excites me at the moment. Days are dark and short. Money is short as is passion for anything much. Im bouncing along on a tepid tide of nothingness, punctuated by dawn and dusk. I have no reason in anything and Im as flaccid as the mealy taste I have stuck in my mouth, the taste of a  corrupted digestion of the everyday things which many say should indeed be my saviours. Im haunted by the past and loss of times again. There is no equivalent replacement future.
    Its odd, a peak experience. Its not just the moments when you were experiencing your little victories, mostly it was how I felt in between these events. These in between times spanned weeks, but I felt the ecstasy all through these interludes, and maybe it was these interludes that charmed me the most, a kind of back ground peace of mind. I miss that heady feeling. Here's an excerpt from something I wrote a couple of years ago that sums it all up....


"  When he woke up the cold Autumn rain had cleansed the streets. It was time to leave the filthy terraced house for good. The final yellow leaves of Autumn were falling to the ground. They could not out number his tears. Black skeleton trees revealed them selves.
   The emptiness was over whelming. He missed the sea, the caves, the Summer moon, both half and full, the thunder, full clouds, the torrential rain. A snatched smile, a moment of magic fulfilled. He missed the pull of the tide.
   He had chased the dragon all Summer, and only when it lay down at his feet did he feel any resemblance of peace. No longer could he feel the luxury of submission. Recent victories seemed to have followed the lunar cycle, but he couldn't be sure... "


As the days shorten my mind narrows. It narrows down and down onto a singular emotion. This is dangerous, its also the essence of magic no less. Its my gift and my curse. Spring begins the ascent again, Autumn the bumpy descent, Winter the dull dream like state of unreality, the kaleidoscope of reality, but im churning on empty this year.