Gigi D'Agostino - Nowhere Land ( Underconstruction 3 )

I remember listening to this album one Christmas. I was filled with emotion, emotion that was a seasonal Winter over load. I was aware of each separate snow flake falling, the crystal clarity of the air on frosty nights, and the white silver of the moons colour. The blackness of the nights was so severe, and I could feel the power of Winters grip. Being the Winter Solstice it was of course a tipping point that didn't last long. Come January the days brightened. Of course looking back now I was in the grip of something I haven't got today, a product of a highly aroused mind set. I was on an emotional octane booster. Sometimes I miss that state as It was a different reality to everyone else around me. This is where ive been....in the grip of an entity, and without a choice either.

Living Death

Have you ever reached a stage when you feel so utterly saturated by a mood that you start to feel your very soul and body are made up of a single glib emotion that's 100% refelected back at you by every god damn annoying mundane move you make everyday ? Its as if poison has changed my DNA. I feel such a deep anger that its permeated every pore of my body. Outside is a direct connection to this feeling; drizzle, mud, darkness, haze and false Christmas cheer. My mouth is dry, belly too full, eyes tired and forehead sore. I,m trapped in a dark glass, but occasionally my mood lifts briefly , Im free for a moment, then all descends and Im back here again in a prison, kind off. That's a strange idea, why don't I struggle to get out ? Because there is no out side anymore, its all gone. No one fact is to blame either, it just is.


This is seasonal disorder. Thank god it doesn't last too long at this level. I wouldnt last...

Swinging from boredom to revulsion. This is going to be another classic December. Already daily Im with drawing, condensed now onto this blog. Strange how each December the darkness increases greatly past a point or length of time you thought you could recall compared to last year. My moods like death and its only the start of the month...However this is a productive state of mind and Im writing poetry, its dark and some may find it unpalatable. It will get weirder yet Im sure... Oh, and has the whole world logged off ? My fb and blog are suddenly barely getting any traffic, all of a sudden as well. Im blaming the shopping season !?

As the days darken

Just how have we got here ? Really !  Ive danced a strange dance for years, in fact I danced so hard I lost all track of time, and Ive finally come to a halt in a sublime time. Nothing much excites me at the moment. Days are dark and short. Money is short as is passion for anything much. Im bouncing along on a tepid tide of nothingness, punctuated by dawn and dusk. I have no reason in anything and Im as flaccid as the mealy taste I have stuck in my mouth, the taste of a  corrupted digestion of the everyday things which many say should indeed be my saviours. Im haunted by the past and loss of times again. There is no equivalent replacement future.
    Its odd, a peak experience. Its not just the moments when you were experiencing your little victories, mostly it was how I felt in between these events. These in between times spanned weeks, but I felt the ecstasy all through these interludes, and maybe it was these interludes that charmed me the most, a kind of back ground peace of mind. I miss that heady feeling. Here's an excerpt from something I wrote a couple of years ago that sums it all up....


"  When he woke up the cold Autumn rain had cleansed the streets. It was time to leave the filthy terraced house for good. The final yellow leaves of Autumn were falling to the ground. They could not out number his tears. Black skeleton trees revealed them selves.
   The emptiness was over whelming. He missed the sea, the caves, the Summer moon, both half and full, the thunder, full clouds, the torrential rain. A snatched smile, a moment of magic fulfilled. He missed the pull of the tide.
   He had chased the dragon all Summer, and only when it lay down at his feet did he feel any resemblance of peace. No longer could he feel the luxury of submission. Recent victories seemed to have followed the lunar cycle, but he couldn't be sure... "


As the days shorten my mind narrows. It narrows down and down onto a singular emotion. This is dangerous, its also the essence of magic no less. Its my gift and my curse. Spring begins the ascent again, Autumn the bumpy descent, Winter the dull dream like state of unreality, the kaleidoscope of reality, but im churning on empty this year.

From down here it looks like a steep incline , from up here another down hill slope of mine

January . I'm re-gaining some enthusiasm for work and starting to think quite forwardly now . When I awake in the morning I find myself looking out of the bedroom window not feeling negative or as tired as I was . My judgement is improving and I have removed several things I put on fb in a daft mood . My mind is sharper than it was but looking back to my posts before Christmas I see Ive lost a certain edge and darkness in the way I write . This alarms me as I can clearly see I was in touch with something then that I am not now . Something dark brings out another side of me at that time of year . A more colourful or charismatic me ? Maybe I'm just mellowing after all is now finished in a past chapter Ive lived . Maybe its the changing light . As Ive said before I know their are two sides to me , but don't worry though , If I didn't realise this then It would be altogether more worrying !

Exhausting every inch of force ?

Today is the the 21st of December , the shortest day . My birthday no less . I cant sleep as the moon is shining through my window . Well I sensed it was there before  the clouds parted . As they parted my suspicions were confirmed ! Ah ha ... gottcha  ! Lurking in the dark hazey night , all hidden from the ordinary world . Yes im hyped ,,,no I cant sleep . Ive strained my arm and shoulder which isn't helping either as I cant get comfortable in any position to sleep.
   Ive learnt a lot this year . Ive learnt to accept the amazing . Ive learnt that sometimes " shit just a happens " , ive learnt to say goodbye  to things when I don't want to . Ive learnt when not to give up too , despite how ive felt . Only now have I acquired this balance . This year has been an almighty re-balancing act . Today im calm so I guess ive done a good job of it . Its strange to have no over bearing anxiety in particular . No plans . No projects . Is this normality ? Its as amazing as the unbelievable , just a little harder to grasp that's all . Call me self congratulating , but I like that last line . Hey if I cant blow my own trumpet now , when can I ? lol

Let it rip !

I should re-name December my extreme blogging month . The short dark days have ALWAYS sharpened my point of view . My entries get more left field and shocking or dangerously honest to be more precise . So it is with another blog I follow that's becoming more unusual and daring . Of course this is normal as we get older . Were no longer of the age when were searching for the mating game , or trying to impress other people . We have some experience of life and we know what we think . So lets let rip a little as they say . Its healthy .

Dangerous December ?

December was always a time of blurred reality's . Christmas is just one example of this blurring being exploited . Its the beginnings of a period of change that cumulates in  the new year . Its a dangerous time as we are forced (that's not too strong a word ) back into ourselves . This happens because of the dark days , the wet and the cold  .  We are only left with ourselves . The basic reality's of survival kick in . Stay warm , get food , get shelter . Nature is dead outside , and its dark . This time can claim lives and does
 . I believe there are also highly emotional forces around at the approaching Winter Solstice . Be careful not to be carried away , get carried away as well if you wish , if you can  . Only a few will be able to achieve a positive result doing this and for them it will come naturally . It will " come " to them . As the winter winds rise and the skies turn white something is unleashed . Ive felt it before . A great energy . To not align myself with this this year feels alien so I'm telling of the force on here instead , hoping it may inspire someone ...
   Danger number two though if you're not a nature type is social pressure . Family , friends and party's are gathering and all the years happenings are expected to disappear temporally . Again in an inward looking mind set this is also dangerous . A wet , muddy , murky time mentally and physically  , a demanding month I say ., but that does depend on your temperament

Changes

My mood is really changing . Im short tempered and verbally sharp tongued . Tonight I almost  ( well virtually ) stormed off at the bonfire . I have about three seconds to catch my temper though before a rage takes over . This is classic me at this time of year . Worse though today , every time someone spoke I presumed it was to me and not someone near by , even though this was obviously the case . Mistakes and perceiving peoples intentions incorrectly is the worst product of this seasonal disorder . Another classic symptom I get is a fuzzy head for figures . I cant remember figures for very long or add them up . My mind feels full of mud and so dull and slow , but ask me for any subjective view on any subject and i'll blow you away and wax lyrical ! Certain mental traits are enhanced and certain everyday ones are depleted . These are the mental effects , but of course the physical ones are worrying too , but I just grind on through those....

Winter mode accomplished and fully initiated

Im shattered .Came home in a bad mood as I have still failed to find a proper pumpkin . OK its not a crises but the mood im in I could explode for any reason tonight ! Its funny , every year it gets to November and I think my seasonal disorder isn't as bad this year , then as the clocks go back , BANG , it suddenly hits me ... My eyes are sore , im tired , I feel physically weaker too . Mentally im a bit hyper , and yes more outspoken and bullish as I predicted or you may have noticed ! I also have a delicious appetite for anything that gives me pleasure . Im lusting for good films to watch ! Im living for the moment and no longer see far ahead , just the now

My wonderful cousin has just drawn my attention to this biological wonder !!!

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&sqi=2&ved=0CCwQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FPineal_gland&ei=j291UsGnFe7A7Aamv4GIAQ&usg=AFQjCNGG3BjUaCzb20vmjx1rU05aizzwSg&sig2=tVSn8OMrJj96uf08wXcJnA       


Of course the part of this that interests me is in the " mystical / occult " section of this link . This gland regulates sleep patterns as the seasons change . As my vitality  is dramatically reduced as Winter starts , and the day light hours shorten , my thoughts are drawn to how much of this is caused by the functioning or malfunctioning of this Pineal gland in me .
  I know that suddenly at this time of year something changes in the air and events are changeable and magic is abound everywhere . Its in the Winter light , the winds , the white Winter moons . As the Pineal gland deep in the brain sends out changes caused by changing seasonal light , are other mystical messages or changes occurring too in tandem ? Does this happen because of my seasonal disorder mixes something up  enabling me to see and sense the magic potential of this season ? Its a very neat inter locking theory that lines up nicely . To find this gland is linked with such subjects  is a pleasant surprise and a further justification of my own views . Nice !
  Dion Fortune also hinted at the Endocrine system being responsible for the ability to be of a certain persuasion . I think she was referring to something along these lines . A malfunction could trigger the ability to experience other intensity's of emotion that " normal " people miss out on . These levels of emotion may kick start all you read on this blog . Maybe the road to this mindset and lifestyle is mainly a biological anomaly ? Well that's one road that she suggests .  I like it when a mainstream idea blends to prove a mystical one . The  " God particle " that was discovered recently is a classic .Something you cant see or prove having its existence justified by the effects you can see . But that's another story...

We all go down for the God of the moment......

As the days are definitely shortening I feel another side to me as the season changes . A narrower field of vision in life . I can get a better feel for where I am and what I need and simply what needs to be done . Also my judgement gets worse and more unsavoury , hence my post removal , but this also allows me new fronts to acknowledge that I wouldn't normally muse on too much . Loose the things I need . Get them back somehow , simple . Qf course the everyday will continue and make a return next summer . My perceptions will change .

I need some inspiration....

Im running on empty today . Im narrowing down my options . Ive ordered an album I need . Its the only thing I need and when I get it i'll feel better . Funny how a solution can come down to something so mundane as music . Music affects mood and mood affects your mind set , and mind set moves your life . Its not that complicated . Some things gonna give soon I tell you .Im tired and my eyes are sore . Tandem realities ahead .

A changing perception ?

My perceptions are changing . My blog looks different . My profile picture looks different . Everything looks more cluttered on here . I'm seeing more .  Im seeing more detail . Ive said before as the light fades I get more focused . My world becomes narrow . Mentally I expand , but physically I wane .Maybe this is my seasonal disorder kicking in as the day light hours decreasing  . Im getting more tired and my posts more out spoken  . This will increase as winter comes . Ive decided to label my posts on my seasonal disorder from now on so they can be read as a whole eventually. This should be revealing....

Exhausted

Im exhausted and ready for my holiday which cant come soon enough . Its been a hard Spring . The weather has been bad , vehicles have been stolen , stressful personal stuff was brought into my sphere . Ive dealt with it all very well and methodicaly but being woken EVERY morning at 6am by my daughter Evie is taking its toll . Exhaustion slowly creeps up on you and you realise that you can physicaly only do so much and its less than you could a few months ago . That's the definition alright !

Childs play ?

Going through a bizzare patch as ever again this Spring watching history repeat its self as it did at this time last year . Very odd indeed . Is this a new chapter or a rehash " Ground Hog " style replay of the past ? Obsticles and plenty to be negative about are abound but also plenty to crow about too . Maybe I need my holiday . Maybe after it answering these questions will be childs play .

Mad March ?

Well March has come crashing in or toppling in as a recent weather forecaster on TV put it !  The winds are coming from the East and all is DRY . I shall say that again . ITS DRY !!!   The land is the colour of a desert and bare . As a friend recently said it looks like a nuclear bomb has gone off . That dead ....  The stoney river beds are white and the water is clear and low , the East wind blowing ripples constantly . We have not had March weather like this for a long while . Its easy working out side , and out door jobs are the priority now . God damn it even MY lawn is growing !
  Every year I bang on about the Ides of March , and this year I'm watching those I know house hunting , wedding planning and moving , plus breeding !   ( my self included ) I see change and action . Somehow I expect there will trouble in the mix for them too . That's inevitable.....  I see potential upheaval for me too but there again i always do ....

Too clear

Its a pre -Christmas December day . The sort of day when everything is a little too crystal clear and precise . No shadows to hide in today only an uneasyness of now, feels a bit like a hole in the clouds . Time to lie low.....

A good sum up

A bad period in life foreruns a good period to come . This cycle can be monthly or maybe even if you can keep score this long ,yearly . The equation however long it takes is balanced . This can work for or unfortunately against you . So knowing when to expect disapointment hence " giving up " for a while can be a big help . Keeping track and knowing which camp you are currently in is the tricky part but is not impossible. I have abandoned my planned holiday at Tintagel due to cost and immenent utility bills . I would love to be down there by the wintery sea and now probably slippy cliffs ! Maybe its just as well.... Another hot weather girl has appeared on the beeb . They can pick them !!! Bless . Need a Christmas tree , need to wrap some presents . The church put its most important festival now . To destroy all knowledge of this seasons ever increasing mania and earthyness . If you feel a change near the solstice then your reading the right blog . If you just think shopping then ahhhhh i only live in hope for ya....

Winter mode

Yep the change has started , its November . Days are short and i am tired however much sleep i get so i ignore it till i explode ! Everything is small and tight and i dont see far !! I can clearly see my life in one glance , all in a frame . So simple . And my emotions are pure and simple . I want ...i will get . No debating in circles . Summer is so complicated but worth the input . Winter turns on the inner sight and shorts out to my desires.... starry nights , moon light nights , stormy ones. Winter is MY time so watch out !