Im complicated...lol

 Two mornings ago I awoke to the sound of a pneumatic concrete jack hammer fitted to a digger breaking up concrete next door. Not what someone suffering from a sound anxiety disorder needs at all on a day off when i'm trying to relax. In fact its not natural at all. Whats strange is that two years ago the same thing happened when I couldnt get away because of lockdown, but that time it was in our yard. Thats a worrying " coincidence ". Its things like this that can swarm around you I'm sure. Is there no wonder Im stressed ?

Anyway I made a quick  in a stressed state, and went to a village in the Yorkshire dales that I have never been to even though its only about 45 minutes away. Going for a walk I felt so tense and down that I couldnt feel the pleasure though I knew it was beautiful. That was a strange feeling. A paradox. It was a lovely walk but I didnt feel it, though I know it, and when I got home I felt better and realized how nice it had been. The philosophical question is DID I HAVE A LOVELY WALK ?

Today Ive gone back to doing work on the farm thats easy as this time off had been good in some respects but it gives me too much time to wallow and Ive found myself ruminating narrative about how I feel round and round in my head. I definitely feel better for it today. I last about three days at home if im not working before I go mad...lol