I'm no Psychologist, but...

Looking back I see my ear problems started when my daughter moved into my parents old room. I remember assembling a flat pack double bed for her. Why does a 10 year old need a double bed ? All her friends have one apparently. I felt I was fighting the fact I didnt like it as I was putting it together. Can you see where I,m going with this ? Is it a Freudian comedy or nightmare ive created here ?

Brilliance

Im not a Crowley fanatic but the brilliance of his observations on life ect really can entertain me and amuse me greatly at times. " The Master takes no heed " for example...

Psychoanalyst Rollo May~We Lack Mystery!

My life certainly does not contain a lack of mystery. Mystery is almost a routine event here. My mother once said to me " You know its OK to just realize life is just life and nothing else " I was angry that she was suggesting I crave mystery in events that have mundane explanations. What an ignorant insult. Some people really are at the other end of the spectrum, and stick their heads in the sand as soon as something disturbing comes along that they can not pigeon hole. A minister asked me if I wanted my house blessed a while ago. I answered that I like the events here as they add mystery to my everyday life. To have mystery in your life is a great richness that many only dream about. Of course most people could have a taste of mystery if they just opened their eyes once in a while.

Fallen (1998) Official Trailer - Denzel Washington, John Goodman Movie HD

I remember this film having a big effect on me when it came out. At the time I was just beginning to suspect that there was more to what was happening around me than could be explained away mundanely in my life in general. I started having the odd person in the street coming up to me and muttering something. It really annoyed me. One night a thug approached me and muttered something right in my face. I was so angry I remember saying " I know you. Ive seen you before " Of course I was referring to my suspicion that something was following me, and this was before I saw the film, hence the films big impact on me later. Anyway you can see how he took this as he headbutted me in the face as it was obviously to him an act of defiance, but I was so angry that this weird thing was happening again that I just reacted instinctively. This can be a dangerous thing to do. That moment when you loose composure and react without thinking ahead such is your frustration. Anyway Im ordering this film now. Im hoping its as good as I remember.

White Zombie - I, Zombie

There really is a zombie after you in life. After a while you see these lyrics are true...I particularly like the nervous girls laugh played on a loop. It reminds me of someone trying to deny these things are so.

Magical mystery tour...

Ive lived all my life here and never crossed this bridge, until today. Im still exploring local locations ive never visited. Very local. It will give me a new perspective on where I live. I need it.

I can see " it "

I took this photo whilst out on the electric bike this afternoon. There is something disturbing about the trees in the center of this photo. Its an area that looks different to its surroundings somehow. Slightly up the valley is a similar piece of ground where it looks different to, and the sun often breaks through the clouds to illuminate a relatively small area there. 

Glastonbury

The light here is very similar to that in Glastonbury at the moment. Dent valley looks a different shade of green this year to. The shadows in the trees are too dark and long for this early in summer as well.

Gigi D'Agostino - La Marche Electronique ( Tecno Fes 1 )

I want my fire back again...

This is getting embarrassing

 Every time I drive or walk through a nearby town, I see or bump into a girl who was in our year at school. Its now getting embarrassing. Ive just come home after being at the dentist for a check up, and you,ve guessed it Ive bumped into her again. This time I told her that every time Im town I keep meeting her. She replied she must be walking around a lot then. I then said " so must I " lol 

I very rarely bump into people from my school days locally. The fact it is happening so much is not by chance. I wonder whats going on ? These things are rarely logical and rarely enlightening, but they are amusing ! She has an atmosphere of isolation around her and of being lost, but putting a brave face on it. Hmmmm.....

The Big Question

 Whats time frame are we talking here ? 

 No one every esquires...

Moon Like Dreams : A poetry blog: The End

Moon Like Dreams : A poetry blog: The End:  Do you know how it ends ?  I know youve seen it  The flailing  The mess  A fallen crown  On fallen ground October 2020  

While were on the subject...

Watchmen - Death of the Comedian 1080p

Life eventually. Even super heros grow older....

This brings back memories of reading various occult books back when I...well you know that stage of life. Anyway I came across this mental exercise of entertaining two opposing  viewpoints on a subject at the same time, but not deciding which one was true. Just holding them in your mind felt nice. I think putting your mind in that state puts it in a magical state, a kind of no mans land. Yes, I'd forgotten about this. Its refreshing !

Nailed it at last

 This valley has just as much death and misery as anywhere else. The scenery here is just easier on the eye. Thats what what this valley has become. - a beautiful killing floor.

All in the mind ?

 If a person is experiencing " fight or flight " may there really be a physical danger approaching in the near future ?

When an obsession ends, or a wild path peeters out then its back to the cold world, and the chances are you will have a lot of catching up to do. Things will have moved on without you. Ouch !

 

Climbing out of a rut ?

 For any given band or musical artist there is usually 2 or 3 songs that most people associate with them. This is their image as shaped by the media and music industry. Of course when you look deeper there is a vast array of material, some of which is of much higher quality that never saw the light of day in the mainstream. This is often a bands true identity. You may spend years thinking you know an artist, but you've only seen one small angle.That fact has often baffled me.

Its the same with towns and cities. In the UK I often only associate them with news stories that were memorable, negatively of course. This is an instant knee jerk reaction for example Lockerbie - plane crash, Dunblaine -  primary school massacre, Hungerford - shootings. Of course there is more to these places than a bad day news story, but image and memory come to quickly to the fore of our brains.

Ive also visited the same places for years and discovered new things there that if I had just looked a little further  around the next corner I would have seen. How easy it is to under estimate a place that we are so familiar with. Again our short sighted judgement has clouded so much. In that respect I doubt anything is quite as we have judged it. Ive no idea why ive written this, but I felt it needed saying.

Well it was nice while it lasted...

 Tonight I enjoyed a ride out to a very good Chinese takeaway. I ate it in on a bench in a very peaceful church yard. Well it was peaceful until some bell ringers started practicing. Ive never heard such a din. It sounded like someone hammering on a bell. As the tower was only small the noise wasnt that far above me. Yes. I made a sharp exit. The last time I sat there someone was angle grinding in the church. Its just annoying when a stupid thing like this happens.

Hilarious !

Flash of the Blade (2015 Remaster)

Live by the sword, die by the sword ?

U2 - New Year's Day (Official Music Video)

There is something about this song that captures the relief I felt after recovering from covid last Christmas. I find myself listening tonight as my spirit seems to be returning, and I feel some sort of normality mentally again. Physically Im improving but you know its a long haul with these things.

    I suddenly realized that Im very reliant on medication, both physically and mentally. I guess with age that comes around, but its a sobering thought. The very functioning of my physical body and my mind are now propped up by induced chemicals, man made. Am I a dead man walking ?

    Its great how stress medication can help us cope, but at night the dreams come. They are not as before. They are tainted, but tainted with an uneasy pleasantness, even the weird ones. Just like in my life the edge is taken of situations so is the edge taken off my dreams.

OZZY OSBOURNE - "Miracle Man" (Official Video)

The second verse of this song just popped into my head as I walked out of my shed today. I have no idea why. Its an obscure Ozzy song to.

Witches, lesbians and smoke machines

 I was talking this week to a man who has recently bought a large ex- youth hostel building that had been converted into a self catering compound for large groups of people. The previous owner often had large families of Muslims and Jews staying there which was interesting as we have land and sheep handling pens just a stones through away from the house, and people often came over to watch us work and ask questions. It was also interesting to watch such groups as living in a rural area you just dont get the chance to even do that, unlike in a town.

Anyway with that in mind I asked the new owner how things were going dealing with the general public. He recently had two strange or surprising incidents. The first and most weird was a lesbian witch and some families complete with children who were all dressed in black. He said they were engaged in some kind of role play, and each to their own, ive nothing against that, but what was shocking was that they drew various moon symbols ect on the rooms walls in " invisible " pen or rather he thought ultraviolet writing. It was only after they had returned home that he happened at a certain angle to be able to see the symbols. They got a bill for re-painting the room. I mean you just wouldnt do that to someone elses property, unless maybe you were a child ?

The second incident was a students party. Well it was quite a party as they hired a smoke machine. One person complained that every time they opened the door a smoke alarm went off...lol Well what do you expect. Again the room was stained from the dry ice. Its not the kind of damage you might expect after a party though. Again, no respect !

The owner is not naive though as he originally came from Birmingham. He thinks its great in the middle of nowhere away from the traffic and the growing Muslimification (is that a word ? )  of the city. There is no escaping human waywardness though, especially in the holiday business. I think now he is prepared now for anything, though the locals may give him a surprise or two yet.

I will explode soon...

 After 2 days of awful banging which I mostly avoided, I though its Sunday...relief. But no. Someone arrived next door at 7am to dismantle  a metal fire escape with an angle grinder and a digger. They were gone thankfully after a couple of hours. But who the fuck does that at 7am on a Sunday ?

Speechless

 I listened to some music on my hifi for the first time since February, only to have something turn the volume dial right down to silence forcing me to each time re-enter the room to turn it up again. This happened three times ! Sound related you see.....

It took me a while to get this...lol

 

From hell ?

 Believe it or not a rock crusher has arrived tonight ready for a day of crushing old building blocks next door. At least the noise will only be for a day and I can get away from it, but you just couldnt make it up. As I said its easy to think this is all designed to make me flip. Plan, adapt and change then is the only way to go forward.

This actually disturbs me to be honest...

I wasnt going to post this until I saw what had happened this morning. Basically this wall has been put up 3 times in 12 months by very good wallers. Each time its been put up perfectly it has fallen down. That just doesnt happen. Anyway a professional waller put it up again yesterday, and this morning to my amazement the left hand side has fallen in again. I guess attempt number 4 is ahead. What is knocking this wall in ? It requires a huge force to push over a newly built wall. Its as though something is leaving and missing the entrance drive gateway around the corner.

Fun fact the owner is wanting to make a new entrance around the corner. Is this relevant to whats happening here I wonder ?

 

What manner of man is this ?

 Ive just come back from a ride on an electric bike. There Ive said it. Not the sort of thing I would normally do, but  on one of my walks last week I realized just how much of a rut Im in. Today I woke up feeling jumpy again, and my sinuses felt truly awful, and my ears were a step worse again as they can be now and again in the recovery process from this " thing ". It being a mental condition causing the discomfort I decided that I should do something pleasurable tonight rather than just sit here. Going for a ride has reduced my headache, which is being caused by my mind. It makes sense. I see its a mental battle now, and its the mind that holds the key. Its definitely a stress reliever.

Its ridiculous how really. If someone told me last year that I would be driving a BMW, taking anti- depressants and riding an electric bike I would have laughed them out of the room. I think the pre covid me was the end of a chapter. 23 - Get Out ?

Out with the old and in with the new, sigh.

 Last week saw the demolition of a flat roofed room and showers block that has looked shabby built on to the side of Whernside Manor. At last the house stands as it was designed to be. Its refreshing to see. Well not all as refreshing now as ive found out the new owners are building an extension in the originals place. The house has three stories. How many rooms does the couple need ? Maybe anyone who lives there needs a room they feel is their own or maybe they find the property overwhelming and need to create a " bolt hole ". Anyway it matters not as its going ahead. Just seems odd to me.

Im complicated...lol

 Two mornings ago I awoke to the sound of a pneumatic concrete jack hammer fitted to a digger breaking up concrete next door. Not what someone suffering from a sound anxiety disorder needs at all on a day off when i'm trying to relax. In fact its not natural at all. Whats strange is that two years ago the same thing happened when I couldnt get away because of lockdown, but that time it was in our yard. Thats a worrying " coincidence ". Its things like this that can swarm around you I'm sure. Is there no wonder Im stressed ?

Anyway I made a quick  in a stressed state, and went to a village in the Yorkshire dales that I have never been to even though its only about 45 minutes away. Going for a walk I felt so tense and down that I couldnt feel the pleasure though I knew it was beautiful. That was a strange feeling. A paradox. It was a lovely walk but I didnt feel it, though I know it, and when I got home I felt better and realized how nice it had been. The philosophical question is DID I HAVE A LOVELY WALK ?

Today Ive gone back to doing work on the farm thats easy as this time off had been good in some respects but it gives me too much time to wallow and Ive found myself ruminating narrative about how I feel round and round in my head. I definitely feel better for it today. I last about three days at home if im not working before I go mad...lol