All who wander are not lost ? ( mentally or physically ? )

Ribblehead Viaduct built in 1875

       

                                                           Ingleborough

Yesterday as I was sick of tension and arguing from the previous day out I decided to go a walk on my own. Ive driven past this viaduct all my life and never stopped to walk up the foot path next to it to gain a different perspective. For instance I hadnt noticed it was built on a curve. I always though it looked straight. Its an extremely popular foot path at a weekend so it was nice to go on a week day when it was quiet. The strange thing about the railways around here was that it wasnt long after there completion that the motor car was invented. Quite sad considering the many workers or " navies " that died building them. Many were paid in beer which I doubt helped health and safety...lol
    I have a few days on my own now and Im keen to look at other local attraction that I just havent seen much, the Yorkshire dales being one. Its funny how something local is overlooked just because its near. I feel a strong pull to do this. If you are on your own you have time to look at things at your leisure and examine things more closely. I feel ive spent a lot of time on my own these last few months wandering feeling uneasy or worse. There is more pleasure in it now once the anxiety wears off, and it does through exercise. Its the exercise of work im missing to burn it off. I can see why people who dont have physical jobs hike ect now. To be honest if im walking its a sign I'm in a tribulation. I am not a natural walker at all.

Synchronicity Alert

 Ive given up trying to read Moby Dick. Its just too long winded and archaic in its story telling style. There is no  doubting its full of passion by the author on all things whale related, but this I feel has turned it into a book written without compromise to detail. Almost a personal indulgence.

Anyway last night I decided to start re-reading a Jerry Cornelious novel, and the subject ages crops up within a few pages ....

Lost in the torrent

So much suffering in a beautiful valley. The valley cares not. Its oblivious to it and changes its atmosphere not, as this has always been so.

Im feeling deep at the moment. The last time I felt like this a new part of me grew. Its all taking a toll on me. Public life doesnt feel the same and neither do I, or others I know. Its another tribulation that must be. An old part of me types tonight, a winter me that was too ill to show its face in that season. Survival physically was my goal when I had covid such was the weakness I reached due to other medication. Ive never got that weak before and now I have a mental battle on my hands. No wonder my brain is in " fight or flight " mode. Its time to admit its been hell and there was a 4 year phase a while ago that nearly tipped me over the edge. ive had other medical endocrine problems that put me through things no one should have to suffer and results in anyone who does not know me to assume a wrong assumption regarding my age. Unbelievably ive accidentally turned this text red which is one hell of a sign Id say....now ive posted its gone back to normal. Hmmmm....

Project Pitchfork - Ascension feat. Sue

A prayer, a desperate scream, or simply acknowledging whats to come in the 2nd half of life ?

Facebook Memories

 Its only when something like fb memories shows you what you posted on a certain date over several years that you begin to see amazing patterns. Good days and bad days can be predicted. I was once told by a wizard that if one made a daily record or chart you could begin to predict events. This would be a lot of work but the fb memories thingy does that all for you. Nice.

Next ive noticed that I often have random thoughts pop into my head, and I then  find ive posted the same thoughts years ago on the same day. These posts are regurgitated on my wall as fb " memories " This matters not whether it was 23456 years ago. Its the monthly date thats important and remains pretty constant. The mind seems mechanical by 2 or 3 days leeway.

Somewhere in between ?

Hardraw Falls

 Today has been an uneasy day. Im on " staycation " as they say and what is odd about it is the fact this is the week spring tuns into summer, and ive been away for that week all my life except 2 years ago under lock down rules. Its unsettling because I shouldn't be here, but also I dont feel well enough to travel far anyway. Add to that having spare time is really what I dont need at the moment as my mind needs keeping off my aliment, but there again I need a rest. Its finding a balance. When I feel anxious I find myself doing jobs around the garden and I feel like I cant stay still for long. Im surprised how work on the farm has kept my mind off things. Strange as usually Im going crazy just to get away.

Today we visited a waterfall by mistake...lol Well we found  another waterfall other than the one we visited years ago that we were searching for. On the way I had a row with my daughter. When we reached the water fall entrance there was a very young girl close to tears behind the cafe counter as her boss was criticizing her. Then at the actual waterfall a couple were arguing " Just keep out of it. Its none of our business " lol One of those tense days it seems.

Two strange things happened during the meal out. I heard a conversation at a table of Americans and one of them mentioned a " wall of crystal glass at Los Angeles " and at that moment a sun beam shone onto a table of empty glassed shining rays sparkling off them. The second was the name Conrad mentioned in their conversation just as we had mentioned the name at our table a few seconds ago.

Talking of strange things my sister visited yesterday and she has been left with little or no voice after her laryngitis. She had to type into her phone what she wanted to say about 80% of the time. She had a speaking app that was just surreal. There was no heated arguments then. This comes after 6 month spell of vertigo and a painful correcting procedure she wont talk about. We have both been quite unwell then. She may have to give up her teaching job if its not resolved, though she is waiting for an appointment with an ENT specialist.

I wont be going there again !

 Last night I had a meal out and ive never been so shocked as when I got the bill. I ordered lamb and all that arrived was literally 5 mouthfuls of lamb and about 3 large tablespoons of mash. I was so unhappy I asked for a pudding for free as the servings were beyond a joke. I was surprised when they agreed for me and my wife. However when the bill arrived it was still £54  so I asked whether they had forgotten to deduct the puddings and they said no that was just for the two meals. my " meal " was £26 and it would have been maybe £16 last time I went there. Seems the pub has been taken over and prices have rocketed, so much so they are not listed next to each available meal on the menu, but in small print at the bottom. I was embarrassed at having paid so much for so little.

A diagnosis

 So after visiting a hearing consultant I have been told I have Hyperacusis, which is a heightened level of hearing caused by stress. This puts the brain into " fight or flight mode " hence my hearing is turned up to warn me of a perceived  " threat " Of course it a vicious circle as sound causes stress and stress turns up my hearing which again causes stress. No wonder ive been so wound up.

The good news is that ive made a significant improvement and have started to break the circle. Also given time this condition will pass, eventually. Ive also started to " sound proof " our kitchen in sorts. Ive put a layer of lino type sheeting in the cupboards to kill the noise of cups and glasses, and ive bought some soft close attachments to cushion the cupboard doors and stop them banging. Just simple things that help. Laminated flooring is awfully noisy though a few mats help enormously to deaden the echo. 

Today I went into town for a haircut which would have been unthinkable a few weeks ago. Odd bangs in shops set my head ache off a few times but nothing to rattle me much. I can certainly talk to people now even if I do ignore the odd dizzy spell and aching in my sinuses. If I hold my ground they pass. Its a very odd feeling knowing that its not " real " and I keep telling myself so or rather thats its just my brain fooling me.

Ive got fb notifications pinging away as ive been argueing, sorry debating with a liberal for a week and he is getting irate .lol

Butthead Calls Tech Support Scammers

Its strange that in real life people who man the phones in scam centers really have no sense of humor at all and act very pious on the phone if you get fresh with them ,or make a sarcastic comment. They keep the professional act up right until the end. 

 Cheap is noisy

 Quality is quiet

Gigi D'Agostino L' Amour Toujours CD1 (1999)

Unconditional and against all odds...

A local vehicle

I'll just leave this here...

 

Here we go again... ( I must be feeling a bit better, Im ranting )

 Sometimes a news story comes along that just seems like a stereotype situation that screams of prejudice, but its true and simply a fact. Behind all bigoted or prejudiced views there  is often some element of truth. Today I heard the gay / black community has a Monkey Pox virus cluster problem. A very small and rare outbreak for now, but apparently it does not spread " easily ". To further conform with further stereotypes it is soley in London for now.

Weve had Ebola from Africa and Covid from China. Both caused by dirty practices. We also have TB from Africa in some communities in the UK now. Its seems a racial stereo type, but its true. We had Aids in the 80's too. When there is trouble its funny how one type crops up as a common denominator.

 

Big Brother ? You aint seen nothing yet....

 I have just received an automated message on our land line explaining that my wife who is planning to meet a friend who moved to New Zealand for a coffee this week must remember to social distance during the meeting. How do they know my wifes social agenda and that the friend is visiting ? This is beyond a joke.

Its hard to believe that someone would argue in support of this dumb statement, but they do and ive conversed with them. There are some very strange pro choice people out there indeed !

 

Horrific

 Rumour has that a woman who runs a local hardware store has terminal cancer of the eye, and its been caused by the vaccine. I cant see a rumor like this being false. People stick up for the vaccine in general.

I feel like I am being poisoned

 Self pity has given way to anger today. Everyday still im having trouble with sound, but now each day the sound causing the trouble varies. I guess that change shows some progress ? Most nights after 8pm my ears become much more tolerant to sound, which is great, but next morning Im back to square one. I have the odd better day then back to a bad one. I feel something is renewing an attack on me everyday and unless I find out how and why Im not going to move on from this. Whats happening everyday / or night thats causing this ? 

I have a theory and a friend also suggested this that as the symptoms decrease at night that it could be a simple over reaction to pollen. This all started mid Feb when tree pollen starts. I certainly feel hay fever symptoms now or maybe that is just aggravating my original ear and sinus problem. Who knows. Of course pollen levels will drop at night. Im going to have to try some antihistamine despite how uncomfortable I find it.

Today I placed a fork on the table and it rung out like bell chime in my ears. I tested this several times as it was quiet extreme. After dinner I tried the same and there was no chime at all. Something is changing really fast in my sensitivity to sound. Its a though when I can tolerate a sound another just pops up that I cant deal with. Ive also developed a low electrical type tinnitus hum that is un-natural. Luckily Im sleeping well a night despite it.

Im seeing a hearing and tinnitus expert tomorrow and they are taking a mould of my ear to order some custom ear plugs to cut out the frequencies that annoy me. I feel the root cause is my sinus inflammation though and certain sounds are aggravating it. My head aches are much less and Im not a as anxious now of the problem, but I want my old lief back where I can have days out and visit people, after all summer is coming. Its hard to look ahead and be optimistic when this situation is so doggedly stubborn to heal. Its impossible to ignore sound whatever or where ever you go.

Basically im a tuning fork ?

 I already know my ears are more sensitive to certain noise frequencies, but today I noticed it wasnt just my ears but other parts of my body. My daughter was talking to me laid on my bed with her head on my chest and her voice vibrated through it uncomfortably. Secondly my legs are absorbing vibration that wasnt there before on the quad bike. My whole body is like a tuning fork. What are sound waves if not energy ? How can I change my frequency to avoid this ? Big questions. I wish the alchemist I used to know on fb was still alive. He would have known.

Remember the guitar like note I heard in the bath room ?

 Ive been spending my weekend afternoons on my own due to my ears not really being comfortable yet in public or in a car with a noisy daughter ect. Yesterday I went on a riverside walk to where my granddad on my mothers side used to live. He used to have much trouble with his ears so he has been on my mind recently. I got the feeling it was important to see his old house and in general I feel like visiting various locations as though this is a mystical treasure hunt of sorts.

Today was June weather. Warm, dry and the odd cloud in the sky. Its been one of the most beautiful spring days ive seen.  I picked so some bluebells today to put on my grandparents grave. Thats not something I would normally do. I dont think I will be the same person after all this illness. A change is happening.

The sun shines on the just and the unjust alike

This is me sat in the garden unshaved and just as I am after a hard winter of general ill health. My hair has also thinned...

 

Facebook Memories

 Water vapor evaporates at 23g Hz

 Ghosts of the past or ghosts of the future ?

Big Brother comes to the hills !

I think ive actually managed to downloaded the film of my Dad on that day. Its just not right. Words fail me. These modern times. What can you say ? Today an email arrived from a conservation group about quads being where they shouldnt on the hill. It was a general letter to all those who farm the land.

 

Fuming !

 So I tried to contact my private health ear specialist today only to find she is off work for 2 weeks. I ask when my appointment might be to discuss a solution and Im told I need a CT scan first and there is a 6 week wait. Ive paid around £500 now and all ive got is a quick sinus inspection, some vitamins and minerals and a rather impressive hearing test that tells me my ears are too sensitive which I already know. This has not gone well. Ive been on a merry go round of false hope. I have now rung the hearing center that did the test on the off chance they have some kind of hearing plug sound calmer or something. This is the sum total of 2 months. I am also going back to the NHS to see if increasing my dose of anti depressants slightly might improve things for me. I mean they have helped with noise and if it a mental issue... Thank goodness ive made some improvement and im in a more  comfortable position in daily life than I was , even if I dont feel up to socializing or travelling far. Its funny how everything is bullshit in the end, even when you pay for it. Lesson learned.

Gamekeeper shoots then buries two short-eared owls in Whernside, Yorkshi...

To the outsider a hill or a fell just looks like a remote waste land where nothing ever happens. The truth is however that these areas are highly regulate and often conservation bodies clash with framers and shooting syndicates. They are hot beds of tension. A few years ago this film was shot in a sting operation. At the time I couldnt believe the long distance filming that took place and the effort that was put into this operation. I mean who would you expect to be watching up there ? " Fun " fact - this guy bullied me verbally at secondary school and made my life a misery every day, along with others.

     So why am I bringing this up now ? Well last night the replacement game keeper sent me a film of my Dad driving a quad bike on the fell accidentally too near to the nest of a protected species. There is a hidden camera near the nest obviously. Its just beyond odd how times have changed. In a town you may expect to be watched and filmed, but out on a fell or hill top with not a human in site ? 

    Its a curse of YouTube that once something is uploaded by someone else its permanent unless they have broke some legal rule I guess. I wonder how it feels to be outed like this ? Imagine it was you for some reason ? Im not debating the wrongs or rights of this film rather the disturbing fact that Big Brother is watching you, even in the countryside. Actually it was audio recording that happened in the countryside in the novel, but whatever. There is no where out of sight anymore.

What Led to Kate Spade's Suicide?

Its happened AGAIN !!!   Kates brother quotes " Its a rough world. TRY TO HANG ON "

My last Orwell book, for now !

 So I finished reading George Orwells Burma Days last night. Its a revealing story he wrote about his time spent in service over there. I had my own preconceptions about empire, but I had no idea how convoluted the relationships were  between the different races. For starters some Burmese held the Europeans aloft as an archetype that could do no wrong and the Europeans were openly civil to the Burmese, but in times of trouble each sided automatically with their own as a rule.

I found it amusing to learn that single women who couldnt find a husband in the UK were often sent to relations who lived in small Burmese villages to see if they could fare better there as white women were in short supply. Of course back then a womans only hope of not living in poverty was marriage and being kept... so marriage was a huge deal then, unlike today.

Orwell was ashamed of his actions and attitudes as a young man serving in the military police. Especially the way a blind eye was turned to injustices. I sometimes wondered if I was seeing certain aspects of dubious people in the novel being drawn from his own views at the time.

The final few pages actually had me shaking a little, I was so shocked at the final plot twist when the main character commits suicide as he cannot have the woman he wants despite coming so close twice. It says a lot about the bleakness of empire life when it is stated as a fact that suicide was common and raised no eye brows amongst white Europeans. Have you ever read a story where the ending is suicide ? It is most unusual and disturbing.

Well I finally finished the book having being interrupted by illness, just like the last book I read of his before Christmas. I dare not read another of Orwell one ...lol

 Ive had to cancel our holiday caravan that we were due in the the last week of May. I couldnt gamble £500 that was non returnable if I wasnt well enough to go. Its ironic that Im living virtually a lockdown existence now. 

A U-turn within 24 hours

 After having questioned the value of snychronicities this happened... Last night I ordered The Old Man And The Sea by Earnest Hemingway. During the night I bizzarely dreamt about a blue bomber jacket I used to wear. In the morning when I got up it had dropped off its peg onto the floor. I haven't worn it for about 5 years. I associate it with my mystical period that started about 10 years ago. I used to wear it when I was into Dion Fortunes novel The Sea Priestess. Its blue colour  I always felt was rather nautical. In fact it matches the cover of the old book too. I take this as a sign to re-read the book again, this time in a less heady mood than 10 years ago.

 Its happened again this morning. My dogs spring loaded clip had come undone from its collar. Its impossible for this to happen. The clip is spring loaded and needs to be held open and unhooked. Its not possible to happen, but it keeps happening. Thank goodness I have a mesh door thats closed just in case this happens. Next doors new chickens have not escaped its eye recently. At first I thought someone was unleashing it on purpose, but as the door is still closed that makes no sense.