So much suffering in a beautiful valley. The valley cares not. Its oblivious to it and changes its atmosphere not, as this has always been so.
Im feeling deep at the moment. The last time I felt like this a new part of me grew. Its all taking a toll on me. Public life doesnt feel the same and neither do I, or others I know. Its another tribulation that must be. An old part of me types tonight, a winter me that was too ill to show its face in that season. Survival physically was my goal when I had covid such was the weakness I reached due to other medication. Ive never got that weak before and now I have a mental battle on my hands. No wonder my brain is in " fight or flight " mode. Its time to admit its been hell and there was a 4 year phase a while ago that nearly tipped me over the edge. ive had other medical endocrine problems that put me through things no one should have to suffer and results in anyone who does not know me to assume a wrong assumption regarding my age. Unbelievably ive accidentally turned this text red which is one hell of a sign Id say....now ive posted its gone back to normal. Hmmmm....
I used to think life was about enjoyment, like many others. You hear it all the time. Yeah. Even recently, I was still thinking this way. It's hard to admit, to admit to myself. It's difficult to accept for me that life is really all a struggle, every day, because I too am just so so tired of everything, especially dealing with people who seem to want to make my life a living hell. It took me a long time to finally notice just how evil this world is, and the people in it. Life is supposed to be dark, I don't want it to be, but all of the greatest mystics and spiritual people were attacked daily by evil forces. I'm hardly on the same par as some of these people, so why should I expect any better? Unfortunately, I think that's what this mortal life is all about while we are here. The problem is, too much stress is TOO MUCH. I have had TOO much of this stress and sometimes feel like I am going to reach a point where I break down again when I was 20. But then I realise, I am not 20 any longer. I won't break down again because I have been through this before, and I know the name of the game. It's my responsibility now, even if I dislike it, to fight back against my personal demons, and to help others as well. I don't like it at all. :( But that's how it is. As I type this I also feel as you do that it's repulsive having to deal with this. If I had lots and lots of money to travel and do things to distract myself with every day, things might be different. So I understand how you feel. It is incredibly frustrating!
ReplyDeleteIve realized ive distracted myself my whole life. Its essential until one day it can no longer be done. Is this what people refer to as " the abyss " ? I wonder. Today I recognized a feeling I used to have of depression or rather over an over bearing weight of gloom that I had in my twenties. Its back. I must admit ive felt more of this since having time off even if its only being 3 days and again it a lack of distraction. Its lethal.
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