Accumulation

Accumulation is one of the most powerful processes known to man . Accumulation allows good situations to finally manifest . Accumulation can see the merest problem become unmangable over time . Further more accumulation happens slowly until one day...BANG !!! Its our friend and our foe . Beware .

I took a wrong turn...

I have made a mistake . Ive not had a good time recently . This happens when I read Crowley. Interesting and seductive as his writings are this usually coincides with turmoil in my life and I am not yet ready to pay that price . No . Hence the book is no more . This was not the road to Glastonbury . Glastonbury is the road ahead . Glastonbury is to large to be corrupted . This is where my future attention is focused . Im not beyond being distracted or led  astray . The wisdom is realising this . Oh well....

I used to and shall post like this again

Tonight was nice . As I drove home in the twilight trees were silhouetted against a sky . The colours of the clouds were very pastel like and subtle , some clouds were an ink blue colour and a break in them revealed a very pale orange glow as the sun set somewhere obscured in the haze .
  A gusty storm like wind was rushing through the tree tops in true March style , yet also it was blowing through the bushes at ground level with what I can only describe as a thick strong constant consistency . Yes the consistency of the blowing was thick , erm this is hard to describe . Lets say it seemed thicker than air  .  The wind had more not strength at ground level but a substance about it somehow . Somewhere in the village I heard children shouting amongst this . Not a life changing moment but something I feel I should write about this moment .

I realise now this felt like " Irreality " at the time . That's what felt so familular about it...!

 

Gareth Knight / The Planes of Consciousness

" It follows that we should give some thought to how we treat the ' lesser forms ' of life upon our planet . They are in fact forms of expression of a much higher form of life - and if we can justify extinction of species , or wholesale laboratory experimentation upon lesser forms of life , then by the same moral categories we should be willing to submit ourselves to like exploitation and experimentation by beings ' superior ' to ourselves ..."   

Are we just play things for higher beings ? Are things revealed briefly to us , only to have our reactions studied ? After many baffling and unexplainable events that were beyond reasoning and beyond any use fullness to me ( other than focusing my attention )  I am highly tempted to go with this theory . Anyway this is my latest thinking . It also seems that a lack of Christianity in its general sense is no obstacle to experiencing these moments .

A full circle reveals the truth ?

Im in a very odd mood at the moment . Im weary of the world again . Once again I sit in my house after work and I can not settle to anything . This goes on month after month . The days working are fine , but its the nights that are the problem . I went through something like this a few years ago and I tried to start drinking , well I tried a little Vodka with my Ribena ! It didn't do me much good apart from give me a nice deep sleep and a strange smell in my nostrils oddly. My appetite increased greatly to resulting in routine fried breakfasts , and you can guess the result of that ! Eventually I was so disgusted with my self and the fact I had stooped to the level of everyone else that I disapproved of who acted in that manner , and I also thought I had become as I read once a mimic . 
   There is a time in life when you go off the rails . When you are younger you soon pass through this stage and get back on course . When youre older you loose the bouncing back ability and time , so much time has compounded all you feel about the world . I feel as though Ive been alive so damned long . I feel ive been so conscious all through it , though In reality its been less than 5 years in this state of revelation .
   Without sounding insulting to anyone reading this Im basically living in the ordinary world like most of you now . How ive fallen . I was once living somewhere else and I could see a different view as I looked on at everyone else living in that dull limited world . Yes I could not understand how you all lived so mundanely and with no magic in your lives . Today Im on the other side of this pane of glass with the rest of you and there is no way back for me . Listening to that album from which I posted previously brings back that otherworldly feeling intensely . That album catches how it felt to be living in another existence . Yes eventually I fell from grace and back to this world . So here I sit trying to find some solice in the nice , quite life I have at the moment . Of course I couldn't take much more of the other existence , but that's soon forgotten .
  My god , is this it ? My life is fine if a little hard and un-relenting . Its what happens after my work is done that's the problem . Someone told me a while ago that I was waiting for the next big thing , and he was right , I am .
 

Heres hoping this is a one off...

I'll be honest , ive had a horrible day . Something happened to me and the effects I do not yet fully understand or grasp , but even I can tell that something is very wrong . Today someone asked me a question regarding something work connected and I answered incorrectly and they realised my mistake and were quite mocking .
   Fair enough it was a silly mistake I made in hindsight and I should have checked my facts before opening my mouth . About a minute later I began to feel very disturbed . Anxiety came over me like a wave , I started to sweat , I started to feel a terrible guilt . I felt sick and I thought I was going to be . I felt dizzy , so much so I thought I was going to pass out . This persons tone touched a very raw nerve in me . They destroyed me and tonight Im still not myself . Ive felt extreme bouts of anxiety before that I think have been panic attacks . They have only happened I think maybe just once before and this was before I started the last great tribulation in my life . After such an attack I focused on a plan of action which also coincided with a message I received by chance from someone I needed in my life which perked me up . That's all fine and dandy and in the past , but what does today's event mean ? It was a trivial subject I made a mistake with , but why such an extreme reaction ? Im a little scared tonight as I feel it has  a great meaning and presence behind it and Ive seen others crack and mentally disintegrate ( ive experienced it in several people im very close to )  so I know there is sometimes nothing to be done but cascade down that terrible path . Im OK now, but something happened today , it was scary , it was bad . Maybe Im worn out . Maybe its some form of post traumatic disorder or repressed emotion from the past . Im not just winging here , today was something of a new intensity and I don't know when it will happen again , maybe when someone puts me on the spot again ?

Gigi D'Agostino - Triangle ( Benessere 1 )

    


On a night like this , not so long ago...

Sigh...

I shall never be at ease in this world . Its never felt true , and its never felt right . Ive stumbled along so far . Im too busy watching the corners coming up to answer questions from everyday people regarding my speed at any particular point in this journey . Dont ask me statistical questions that you know by heart and repetition as Im too busy watching whats coming up ahead . Im set up for the subjective , not this world . I cannot thrive in both .

Of mythology , academics and the uncanny ability to destroy passion

As the moonlight is shining through my kitchen windows due to the moons position as it does every March , Im considering as I make a second attempt attempt to read  The Secret Tradition of the Arthurian legend by Gareth Knight ( no pun intended and I doubt given his mind  set he saw it either ) just how can academics ring all the passion , fun and magic out of a subject that's as subjective as mythology . I like a good comma , but he adds so many to each sentence he says so many words that amount to so little . For goodness sake if your going to write a book about such way out beliefs , at least make it entertaining and not as I suspect an exercise in sounding clever to your peers and academic circle . A genuine mystical experience is better than a million words or a dry book of research after all . As many books written about esoteric subjects its extremely interesting , but why are they always so long winded and overly dry ? This is why I enjoy such subjects in the form of a novel . Am I a light weight ? No , I just find passion is critical in a writer to keep my full attention . Academic prowess does not move me , flair and passion do . Combine the two however and you have my deepest adoration . Its a rare act .

I really hope I don't pick up his writing style . Its happened already judging by my opening line...