So what makes me tick ???

" Do any of us understand what we are doing ? If we did , would we ever do it ? "     A quote from a philosopher contained in a series of short storeys Im reading . This is a problem with mystical things when you start looking at how your living and what you believe .  Try  putting into plain words what you've done or seen in your experiences and you think WTF !!! .... it all begins to fall apart . Dion Fortune called these experiences " the fairy diamonds " . In the daylight the diamonds appear as old dried leaves but only in the moonlight did they become diamonds ....
 I guess also doing things for reasons we are not conscious of suggests a higher guiding force ? Nope not God but our inner selves or sub-conscious . I like the idea of my cuddly inner self but the idea of my sub-conscious scares me senseless ! .
 I know for example that I recreated a social situation that saw me hurt 15 years ago . This time I lived it and  won at any cost a victory  to a pleasant degree; for a substantial period of time , long enough to now walk away if I want too with my head held high  . Old demons took a bashing and it was about time , but oh what a price Ive paid ! I won but I used every tool available .
 Now here's where it gets interesting . Despite the unconventional  situation esoteric signs backed me up to the hilt , constantly beyond a doubt letting me know it was OK . I wont use the word " right " because there is no concept of morality in the said situation or the forces I saw manifesting.  Strange  signs and just beyond any sense coincidences kept and are still occuring now . No it was not a doddle . There were times I thought I was going to have to get some " help " but today Ive come through it , I think.....  Of course some ( FAMILY THAT IS ! )  will say I manufactured a complex coping mechanism .  The lines blur but I have a detailed diary of events and when viewed in a " big picture " scenario it all looks quite impressive .
 The situation is trivial compared to the inner working behind it . What that  the situation  was is not important for you to know but the end result is . Its right here on this blog . I cant deny that . I am the end product today .
 No doubt this article is the product of the coming full moon " forcing the crises " . I tend to get more creative or spontaneous at these times  . Looking at the moon last night brought back some good memories . It is a tool , but be beware it can can swamp you and the emotions and situations it furthers are intoxicating and living this way long term is not an option . Ive lived it . I know . Like an addict I gaze at her and are tempted to give it a " spin " but I'm not sure that's my scene today although its hard to tell yet . After my holiday I might be of a different out look .