Truth and reconciliation

 I was never popular growing up . I felt the usual stereotype stuff , but something was never right . Relationships were void as I werent a whole person back then . I spent so much time worrying . Some social situations still haunt me today when i get into certain situations things flood back .

 One part of my life was especially cruel meaning peoples first impressions were wrong , very wrong . This was the most horrific mental situation possible so i buried it for years . Now its subsiding as i get older and have a daughter . But seeing my close family's teenagers growing up brings stuff back to me . I guess everyone has this though .

 About 2010 something changed . I felt it in the air . Saw it in people . A concrete change of atmosphere is the only words i can use . A new chapter . This had nothing to do with relationships . It wasnt about me directly , but  could see old restrictive situations were over and the old guard was dead . I felt a huge expanse of space ahead of me . About then I had an event that triggered my mystic experiences . This almost finished me but led  me to who i am today . 

 Right now im in a big transition again . Who ive always destined ( oooh pretentious ) to be is coming ! As sure as everywhere i go water gurns in pipes in turmoil . THIS STUFF IS REAL !   Im different and people embrace this . I worry this blog is a self assassination .I also dont give a damn . Ive learnt that some things must be worked through and not buried . 

 Ive very much enjoyed reading a like minded blog  recently .  Im very impressed !Ive never felt comfortable at any stage of my life and i never will . Its too late after the start i had and this jolted me onto a different track enabling me to experience some esoteric things . Im not miserable . I am not a wreck . I am uncomfortable but technically lifes OK  . I have depression in periods to be honest but i have many friends and family on pills ( which i am not ) so i judge myself quite lucky . I am an anomaly.....As i get older my only regret is life draws people into your sphere you wish you'd met years ago . Thats a joke of the cosmos of course  !!!

Facebook damnation 2

If you really value someone  keep the f**** off facebook as it will devour anything of any intensity other than the purile . Technical and circumstantial difficulties on line will soon have your friendship in deficit . So thats a real friendship devalued by a unsubstantiated medium . VERY DANGEROUS !!! Your reality is in danger After a while I keep forgetting this . A blog is a different matter , its more intimate because ironically you have less interaction with people !  Im enjoying blogging after a year and must say ive been surprised finding a like minded soul on here ! I mean how many " my family type bloggs " can you stand ?

Drifting sideways: Facebook and damnation

Drifting sideways: Facebook and damnation: Face book was created by the Devil around the turn of the Millennium . He figured the best way to corrupt a soul was to give people a little...

Doing the maths

This blog is like algebra . I state   X   +  ?   = Y           What I cant write on hear ( but would like to ) is too personal , but those like minded to me can probably do the maths !!!  Ahhh that sounds a bit cheesy but I find the best things in life usually are.LOL    

The image i can not use

Changing my fb profile picture to an angel based image results in my  chat function shutting down . It did again tonight as it did last year . The image was a comedy one brandishing a uzi machine gun  .  Delete picture and on my chat function comes again . I guess images have more power than we give credit . I know this sounds silly but it is true . I worry telling the truth damages my credibility on here but the truth must be told . Of course you will just have to accept this fact as honest . Again at my time of life lying to get attention would just be pathetic . So images have power . I shouldn't really be surprised .

My current bubble

Feeling crap tonight and stuck in a rut . Its a cool night with a hint of the end of summer in the air , not Autumnal though , just a hint of it . Sunnier weather will see a return of the summer light and gone will be this illusion . Thing is im stuck in a place again , or a mood or a chapter , or maybe a sphere of perception which repeats its self as it did last summer . In it I loose all faith I shall  again enjoy the company of a friend again  . It feels so bleak and final and once before  I opened my eyes to the patterns of life I would have given up in a sulk , but Ive seen the signs in my life that this situation shall pass again as it did last year . A sequence of people turn up in my sphere .A chain of happenings opens up a procedure...
 It is an artificial situation of obstruction that serves a purpose that i cant fathom . Why am I tormented like this ? It feels orchestrated and when it passes ( and it will ) I'll look back on it with little consideration or importance but right now its uncomfortable . Sometimes life drags people away from you with such a sophisticated matrix of events you can only smile as you see a  " divine hand " in the proceedings . This phrase loads a moral tone though and is misleading but its the only phrase i can think of to describe obstruction . Now heres the crunch point ! I must go through it . I shall go through it because its on a path . A path leads from A to point B   . Obstacles on the path can be dealt with and will be again . My lower self is despondent  but my higher self knows its a temporary upset even though I accept it may not be ! Sounds stupid ? This is proof of a higher self . The contradiction proves this .
 Funnily once I wanted to do something and it felt scary and every part of me said no , this just doesnt feel like the right time but I did it anyway because inside it felt correct . The conflict in me was over powering but my higher self pulled me through and it was the right thing to do in the end . Yes when youre lucky enough to be in touch with this higher side you can beat life's odds making the correct decisions . I guess Crowleys " Do what thou whilst shall be the whole of the law means "  This doesnt mean do what you want , If means follow your true path or your higher self im sure . Doing what you want is easy . Following your true path is hard .Rarely can I use this higher self yet . It takes courage and insulation from the everyday and I couldnt keep that up for years , but nobody can and remain sane . Compromise and a measured application when needed is the key I guess . Oh that'll be simple then ....

What im missing

Its funny how suddenly you realise your close friends aren't that close today . I had several but due to them being busy with relationships Ive lost that ( for the moment anyway ) .. Another life long friendship was lost permanently   due to the person turning on me . These were people I found the opportunity to really confide in . Not just chatter but really tell the dark stuff too . Some may be back in that capacity again i hope , while some will be around in a more mundane manor . People of this calibre are not replaced at my time of life . They are now temporally unavailable for personal conversations . This isnt any ones fault and Its just life .
  Someone once wrote that  some people are like vitamins . A small regular dose keeps you healthy but withdraw that dose for any prolonged period and the consequences are altogether more serious . When you have found such a person you will know by how you feel when you dont see them , not when you do !!! Once you meet your Archetype there is no going back . This person will change your life . What follows is compulsory as you are powerless to just run away , so on you explore . It can get rocky , it can unlock the unseen . It may well as Gareth Knight wrote destroy you permanently if the other person rejects your view of them as a soul mate . If they accept then apparently you can say to hell with the conventions of life  . I have . Its a road for the brave.
 I should write a book . Sounds arrogant ? Write a book to share my experiences , not to display any profound academic knowledge or wisdom . I have none . Ive read a few esoteric books , not a lot , but I have had / seen some strange events you wouldn't believe and they are to me anyway worthy of someones interest somewhere who maybe just beginning this journey themselves . As I read more books I see im on a path thats been travelled before . Its still relevant today but faith and my stamina is tested . Like all of us i need the occasional sign  to buck me up !

Not holding back here

Its a very strange night . A wind has got up after the heatwave and a thundery storm of torrential rain is working its way North slowly up the country . I feel in a no mans land tonight . Unsure about the past and even more unsure of the future . Why do we drift so far without realising it or been aware of it happening ? Time keeps on flowing as I struggle . This is the kind of un easiness im growing tired of ...on I go though towards some kind of deliverance . I need what I need and I must achieve it .
  Spent the afternoon playing with my daughter and her growing is ramming home the point all is moving on . I know this is so but i need confirmation of this in other areas of my life to get the whole picture . This is my current problem , enabling these areas to be re-visited

A ramble

It will soon be August and the nights are are little duller and moist . Dews are getting heavier and dusks are darker and the trees a darker shade of green . A murky mauve twilight is the sign summer has passed its half way mark . Soon a night chill will  spur us all into action suggesting Autumn is approaching and new ideas will spring into our minds as a natural process starts as we join the path to winter , my favourite time !
 Cool clear starry nights , near constant moon views lighting up the clouds orange and yellow . Im not a summer person as someone recently pointed out , but the heavy thundery down pours recently are my cup of tea and the nights will soon be pulling in .....

Marc Almond & Gene Pitney - Something`s Gotten Hold Of My Heart

This is an increasingly important question as life trundles on ;  IF YOU DONT BLOW YOUR OWN TRUMPET WHO IS GONNA DO IT FOR YOU ?  

Pulling the strings of the mind ?

In order to gain something you must first appear too loose it  . Then you can work to acquire it . This struggle will further enhance the experience of what you desire especially if the appearance of loosing said situation  is an unfortunate self delusion . Nice. The struggle is win ,win then when the increased momentum kicks in .
 They say to throw a good punch you must imagine your enemy standing a pace further away from you than they are to give said swing extra oomph . Yep that could work mentally too .... My first home grown philosophy and I like it . This is the start of something for sure . Do you ever feel you have done or thought in a certain way before ?  Instinctively .

Simple Simon

Today ive been sweating in the hot sun shearing sheep . I have not being emotional , I have not been deep , I have not been mystical . There is however a full moon coming .... See that didn't last long did it ? Anyway to tired to think tonight but I am getting acclimatized to this heatwave.
  Im particularly enjoying reading some short stories by Aliester Crowley . They are about his alter ego Simon Iff . A wise old man , a mystic and magician . Very entertaining just for a casual read . I will put some quotes I find funny on here soon . Cant seem to put this book down at the moment . Its fantastic to read a good book on a nice summers night when the work is done . A good distraction . I have started reading his fiction first because its a good way to get into a writers mindset and then later its a bit easier to see where the writer comes from in their non- fictional essays and books of which i am sure there are many...

The eternal sea.....

Who is preaching to who on the blog scene ?   Am i the only one who isnt preaching to the converted ? LOL

Only happy when it rains ?

A strangely hot uneasy summer it is . Why has been baffling me until today . We have had a year of appalling wet weather beyond anything seen before  and now we have a heatwave as of the type we had when I was at school . Expectations are high . Weather forecasters hype the heat as though it will deliver us from all life's problems . The way they sell it it you'd think the sun was a cure all . In reality its too hot , people are tired and eventually after a while it becomes draining and shortens your patience .

The door that hath no key ?

Life dull ? Fantasy's not real ? Its all a matter of perception . The Esoteric  mystical side of life has the distractions and the anti-dote to the drudgery of the everyday  but and this is a big but I'm afraid  there is no guaranteed entry through that ' door ' or magical key to gain entry , however much your soul is needing it . A situation will trigger a starting point . Strong emotions of meeting an Archetypal person or extreme fear or danger of death say during war have been said by writers such as Dion Fortune to provide the trigger . This experience will be unpleasant ... one as equal as the other i guess without sounding flippant i hope ! Im now 42 and only now have I started to see the hidden ( i wont use the O word !!! ) side of life around me .
  Of course all experiences are subjective . In fact things can be and not be at the same time ! An example of this I like to use is to consider a close  friendship you have with someone  . You are close to someone but are they close to you ? You will NEVER know so you live ' as if ' its true . You have to take it on faith . This is the ONLY way to live ! The truth is HIDDEN but you don't need to see it to know its there ... This idea is called Kether . The seen and unseen . It allows us to not go mad in analysis searching  for proof . It allows us to see events of supernatural happening without mundane reasoning obliterating them with our  narrow minded thoughts  . A dangerous idea   ? No, not when used in religion apparently  Here.faith is used to suppress all logical explaining away of religious experiences . Faith concurs all ! So if its good enough for religion its  a valid  out look for me . People don't like this idea when  its applied to justify  mystical things and Christians  get very annoyed  .  Besides time will confirm if you were ' right ' as future events unfurl . You will NEVER see clearly unless you use some element of Kether or faith . Maybe to reason as a child as the Bible says is the key to happiness ? Possibly.....
 By now your thinking I'm mad ? This idea is more than fantasy because it begins with something very real in your life that leads to more blurry boundaries . When they blur just carry on . Not all who wander are lost ...

A sad discovery

I recently came across an abandoned blog written by someone who said they had moved on from the time of life that made writing the blog  so essential . A blog is a tool . It has undercurrents and complex reasons behind what appears on it . It is a measurement of a mood or season in your life . This made me think back to what spurred me into action and how far i have come.... Its a sad thought to consider that one day i may '  move on '  and no longer find my blogs relevant .Well there is no hope of that for a while at least....