Counselling

 Im feeling uneasy tonight. A mild anxiety has returned, and I feel it rising in me. I know exactly why. Its approaching the time I was ill with Covid. Those cold December nights, the long dark nights and that boredom that made time drag. When I go outside to do a few routine jobs as its coming in dark, it just all comes back to me. I knew this would happen. As ive written before I dont like December. I just feel that everything here surrounds me with the memory. A season cannot be avoided and can be a carrier of good or bad memories.

Finally, today I have inquired about an appointment with a councillor. At one point last summer I couldnt face it, then when things improved I thought I didnt need it. As a farmer I am very down to earth about undertaking something without quite knowing whats entailed, or where its leading. Exactly what Im going to say I'm not sure. As for bad stuff that is uncomfortable to talk about, well yes, there is quite a bit of that, but I guess they have heard it all. Im not sure even if the cause is a cause or whether this is all Covid spin off. I think that is why I'm hesitant. The thought it might all be a wild goose chase. One thing is for sure though it will do me good to talk about something, anything.

Its as though my mind gets stuck in a rut, and sometimes a little thing can make me snap out of it. If nothing else it will be a new experience for me. 

23p a bottle

The taste of this cheap water reminds me of something -  how water tasted from the school bathroom taps...urrrgh !

Import / Export

 Having managed to return two Amazon parcels eventually this week this one arrived for me. Immediately the written address looked very familiar, too familiar as it was my own hand writing. It was a parcel I returned in September. Turns out it could not be exported. I didnt know the seller was abroad ? I guess it was one of those misleading listings.

Runners up...

Lian Ross, Modern Talking, Boney M, ABBA, C C Catch, Joy, Michael Jackso...

This is playing a lot in our kitchen at the moment....relaxing.

Dont shoot the messenger

Remember when young women looked like this ? They did once.

 What in the name of hell happened ?

Andrew Tate ‘I Don't Believe in Depression’

Yes, I was considering this subject today. Depression must be caused by life conditions, so why am I still in the same position now, because this has been made possible by pills ? I would say ive had more of an anxiety condition really, but yes, my mind has turned against me. I sometimes consider my mind and think " what on earth are you up to now ? " We are not our mind. Its just an organ, and only when you suffer a mental condition do you really see this. Its disturbing to me. This year has been a shock I never saw coming. My nervous system threw in the towel somewhat. Looking back I find that very sad. We should never reach that stage ?

I think once the mental problem causes physical pain, then only pills are the answer to at least find an even keel as quick as possible. Maybe my trouble had a physiological trigger as in an after effects of Covid ? Maybe it was just life after so many years ? 

Tate's last line rings of a Crowley observation that the thoughts of a man of ill health should be questioned even if they are beautiful or entertaining. If I had just experienced the anxiety without the hearing problem then it would have not been so traumatic, but both together was crippling. I guess each case is different and some peoples problems may just be as simple as Tate says, and the victim mindset may be holding someone back. I think thats his biggest beef here really.

How hard can it be ? Its only a cup of tea

 Today I drank a cup of tea in a cafe I use regular work wise. The tea is always too strong, and has been for years. Today I decided to ask for more milk in my brew which I felt a little apprehensive about as everyone else just drinks it as it is.

Of course more milk makes the tea cold so I then asked if I could add some hot water to my mug and explained why. " Well you did ask for more milk " the lady said. I smiled and commented that was the case. She then gave me a look of stone and said " Well you cant have it both ways " in a manner that could not be mistaken for jest. I admit that last line was stolen from Wuthering Heights....lol

Even a cup of tea is no longer simple. People accept the tea, and even if they wanted more milk they would never ask. Its the British way. Smile and never complain or enquire about how you can get a better service. I expect, or seem to get the idea that Americans expect something called " service " and to a much higher degree than the average British person. No wonder they seem demanding when they visit or are portrayed that way.

People can be very polite and give a good service, but rock the boat a little and some seem to drop off a precipice ( wow I spelt that right ) into a stoney cold sulk.

Back to basics ?

 Im really enjoying doing up the bike ive been given for free. Its something to do on dark winter nights in my shed. It really is satisfying. I then find out I'm not the only one in my family working on old stuff that might normally be considered a waste of time.

One cousin has bought a 70's camper van. Its very primitive with no power steering and a carb fed 2 liter engine from the ark I expect. He is enjoying fitting various thing to it and making improvements. His brother has also bought an out of character purchase, an old turbo Audi. Again he has enjoyed tinkering with it after work. He normally buys flash expensive vehicles though. His wife is also acting out of character as she is sanding and painting a second hand table that she bought for £20 as opposed to £800 new as she normally would do. Now that did amuse me. Almost as much as me on a bike did to her !

Its been a terrible year for them as well, and I think its very therapeutic to tinker with something that you normally would have just laughed at once. Getting out of a rut and relieving stress seems to involve these kinds of activity in our family now. Its a common denominator with those of my age. And maybe thats the key, age. A kind of good mid-life crisis ?