The Ramones- i wanna be sedated (lyrics)

The problem with holidays is that all the things you manage to out run while working finally catch up with you. Im exhausted and its only been a weekend break....

As the days brighten and the sun gets higher I notice all the imperfections that the new brighter light exposes. Buildings look drabber after all the winters rain, my car has more scratches that once the dark winter light was until now hiding, and my clothes can suddenly be seen to be more worn than I suspected. It is the same every year. The brighter light exposes all these annoyances and imperfections. Everything suddenly looks more worn out.

Another 2 tiny feathers have fallen right in front of my face today. One was outside and the other in the house. Last time this happened I had a near fatal accident shortly afterwards. I saw them as a sign at the time. I don't know what will happen this time

Dirty rusty morbid moon

Reflects the blood and bile of life

Slow motion clouds drift

As does time

Death taints red the sky

As charcoal clouds slide grimly by.

Today a single white feather fell into a bunch of Snow Drops outside our back door...

Watchmen - Death of the Comedian 1080p

This is how I feel. Middle aged and soon to be obsolete or deleted by life. Im slowly losing my perception on how this age works and how people expect me to act.

My new car has a worn gear box... I seem to be stuck in a negative cycle of mechanical hell. It never ends and knows no reason. Its been a long and complex event that is beyond chance. One spin off is that at the end of it I will have much better people skills and a greater confidence at laying down the law to others.

Last night I woke up feeling utterly drained and dizzy having laid on one side far too long. The very air of the room seemed cold and dry and felt as though it were eating away at me. Adding to this was a feeling of cold sweat and a subtle looming panic that half my soul had been eaten away and if I hadn't woken then I don't know what would have happened. It was only after hearing a familiar sound of our dogs barking outside that I felt my old self returning back like a trickle that became a flood. Physically and mentally I felt I was dying in the middle of the night. I though I had lost more of me than could be recovered again. A feeling of illness behind a veil yet to come filled my mind.  It was horrible.
  

Last Spring some birds were nesting in a farm building of ours and they dropped some random pages of an old Bible onto the floor. When I picked them up and read them I was quite amazed. It seems that the theme was about ridding ourselves of unhealthy influences and people.