Tears of the Dragon ~ Orchestral Version Bruce Dickinson

   



I think this song sums me up !  Ive changed so much in these last few years, beyond what I thought was possible. I guess I have " thrown myself into the sea. "

Bang On Cue

A damned synchronicity has returned as predicted. This has happened for years. Will this haunt me all my life ? Should I return or try to something that nearly destroyed me ? I don't know. If this goes on for years am I missing a sign post, or is the cosmos just messing me about. Maybe I should rob God of his " sport " ! Make no mistake this is important to me. Ive walked away. Am I meant to go back ? Do I ignore for ever more ? Feeling confused. Ive removed the comments option for this post. Now theres a bloody irony after asking so many questions.

I keep losing site of the bigger picture. Acidic streams erode it. By the end of the day the repairs are done though and normality returns. Ive learnt my emotions and insecurities are not governed by the events that disturb me at all. They are formed independently elsewhere and only mingle with these events through pure coincidence and unfortunate timing. The things that upset us are not the source of our troubled emotions, they are just convenient " pegs " we use to hang our moods on. This is a secret of life and I doubt many even realise it.

Seek And Ye Shall Find ?

Mmmmm, psychological tests. Well a while ago I took one, the on line type I may add. The after affects were quite unpleasant. I did not enjoy the experience. Not only did I fair badly, but I found it very hard to relate to the questions as they were often in the form of very subjective situations often revolving around what traits I thought should be a priority in differing circumstances. Often these were social conundrums that were placed before me, and often ones that I cant relate to, such as a work scenario set in an office or large group of colleagues. I found making a decision on these questions most vexing.
   I don't pretend to be the picture of normality, but I think these tests very quickly demoralise. The very fact that some of us have made it past mentally horrific life events relatively unscathed proves that we are not made of conventional stuff. Conventional thinking would have failed us. The fact I found myself classed as " unhealthy " in this test is nothing to be ashamed of, rather just the taint upon me that events have left. A taint is better than a medicated normality I believe. I witness this difference everyday.
  Still that doesn't take away the deep uneasiness of " failing " a test, but its not the end of the world, and we all know ourselves anyway what our vices are, and we don't really need a test to blatantly tell us our faults. And I just thank my lucky stars that my job does not rest on the results. Well if Im looking for an up side my " aggressive side " and my sense of " individuality " are strong !! I think that's good, no ?? Some may say not... ( and Im sure its an open secret but there is no normality anymore, never mind normal people. Life has put paid to that ! )

Blue Steel: the movie

 


By pure accident I came across this post on You Tube . Remember I wrote about the person I most feared ever being like ? Well, it seems ive found him....

Insert Your Own Caption

Really ?!

Apologies, I know its Christmas night, but what I just heard on my radio is an example of the insanity of fate.  A few days ago a Dustbin wagon ran over and killed 6 people who were Christmas shopping in Glasgow.

 Today a man in Manchester was charged with running over and killing someone. 

But worst of all ive just heard an Ambulance, oh yes, an ambulance in Scotland has run over and killed someone who worked at an ambulance station. This happened in the ambulance station car car park on Christmas day  !!!  There is almost a very dark humour working here.  Whats going on ???   More of these incidents will occur, you watch !


Last year over Christmas a Police helicopter hit a crane and crashed into a Glasgow pub killing I think it was about 10 people. Again this was over Christmas too.

A Dark Fantasy ?

How feasible is a rapid and complete break of our Western society ?  Who really knows ? Well I know from bitter experience how fast the collapse can take hold. About 10 years ago we had a national strike amongst the wagon tanker drivers who delivered our petrol to the petrol pumps. In most reasonable sized towns a tanker arrives every night to top up supplies. After 3 days of picketing and no deliveries, food supplies were running low on shop shelves in the North of our country. Our then Prime Minster Tony Blair happened to be visiting the North East and stumbled upon these scenes. He delivered a prompt press conference saying he was calling in the Army to deliver the fuel. He was literally sweating as he spoke. He was caught unawares as this was happening outside and far from our capitol, London
    Everything is on a knife edge in our society. This fact hit me I remember, when I saw how quiet the roads were, including the motorways during those few days. This is just a little reminder of how fragile or society is, and ive never forgotten it. Extra fuel was delivered of course for the Police Force. Food, Law and Order and the Economy could very quickly have collapsed. It doesn't take much when we rely so heavily on one factor. ie; fuel  Just imagine what could happen if we were armed as many in America are. I don't need to say any more...  

Christmas, My Way.

My Christmas isn't exactly ideal nowdays. Ever since I left school I have never had any full days off work over Christmas, this been mainly due to farm animals needing feeding everyday. There have also been years when problems such as frozen water pipes have obliterated my Christmas spirit. I do manage to have a few afternoons off, but again a certain amount of work is to do everyday. I envy people who have weeks off at this time of year, no wonder they are full of festive cheer. That said things could be worse, its just that it really seems to matter at this time of year. I never really switch off either. Add to this my low mood due to the dark days and things aren't nice.
    My parents are coming to our house for Christmas dinner tomorrow, but are leaving soon after to visit my Sister for a few days, so I will have all the routine work to do on the farm. It will take me a little longer and I shall still get some time during the day off, but it doesn't go down well. and after years this annoyance accumulates. Of course at their age they deserve to get away, but that doesn't help me really. This is the time of year it gets to me. And yes, they are hyped up too...There are quite a few parallels that I can relate too if your less then satisfied with this season, mainly because Ive been there and still am.
   On a positive note my daughter is nearly three and giving her presents is a bright spark in this grotty picture. I guess time off is the biggest necessity needed to enjoy Christmas as without it all is a bit pointless really !