The good, the bad and the ugly

 I woke up after a daytime nap this weekend to a fight or flight emotion, but for the first time 9 months I awoke to fight rather than a flight emotion. Better for me, an annoyance for those around me for the next hour or so.

Tonight Im looking back and coming to terms with just how bad this year was for me back in the spring. At times the isolation, pain and anxiety, wandering around unable to relax was utter hell. I realize now how people come to commit suicide, if they felt a worse version of what I was going through or a prolonged one.

I have dark memories of spring weekends stopping at home on my own. The wandering locally, the bloody construction noise next door ect. My garden was my happy place as they say. The misdiagnosis and medication that was a red herring rattled me as spring turned to summer. 

Ive learnt just how much one can suffer and be in hell in your own home. When the mental and physical become intertwined you really are in trouble. Ive been looking back these last few days and admitting to myself all these things. No one knows how its all felt.

The good points are that this condition has improved dramatically in just 9 months. Its seemed a long while, but medically I guess its not. Ive visited many local sites that ive never been to. Ive had some stunning bike rides this summer that have given me a sense of freedom from this valley, and the people here who just work none stop. I value my time now, and am not embarrassed to cycle by. I just think more fool you...Oh, and I forgot the gardening and barbecuing this summer and cooling off in the paddling pool at midnight with my daughter during a thunderstorm. Its been quite a year !