Counselling

 Im feeling uneasy tonight. A mild anxiety has returned, and I feel it rising in me. I know exactly why. Its approaching the time I was ill with Covid. Those cold December nights, the long dark nights and that boredom that made time drag. When I go outside to do a few routine jobs as its coming in dark, it just all comes back to me. I knew this would happen. As ive written before I dont like December. I just feel that everything here surrounds me with the memory. A season cannot be avoided and can be a carrier of good or bad memories.

Finally, today I have inquired about an appointment with a councillor. At one point last summer I couldnt face it, then when things improved I thought I didnt need it. As a farmer I am very down to earth about undertaking something without quite knowing whats entailed, or where its leading. Exactly what Im going to say I'm not sure. As for bad stuff that is uncomfortable to talk about, well yes, there is quite a bit of that, but I guess they have heard it all. Im not sure even if the cause is a cause or whether this is all Covid spin off. I think that is why I'm hesitant. The thought it might all be a wild goose chase. One thing is for sure though it will do me good to talk about something, anything.

Its as though my mind gets stuck in a rut, and sometimes a little thing can make me snap out of it. If nothing else it will be a new experience for me. 

23p a bottle

The taste of this cheap water reminds me of something -  how water tasted from the school bathroom taps...urrrgh !

Import / Export

 Having managed to return two Amazon parcels eventually this week this one arrived for me. Immediately the written address looked very familiar, too familiar as it was my own hand writing. It was a parcel I returned in September. Turns out it could not be exported. I didnt know the seller was abroad ? I guess it was one of those misleading listings.

Runners up...

Lian Ross, Modern Talking, Boney M, ABBA, C C Catch, Joy, Michael Jackso...

This is playing a lot in our kitchen at the moment....relaxing.

Dont shoot the messenger

Remember when young women looked like this ? They did once.

 What in the name of hell happened ?

Andrew Tate ‘I Don't Believe in Depression’

Yes, I was considering this subject today. Depression must be caused by life conditions, so why am I still in the same position now, because this has been made possible by pills ? I would say ive had more of an anxiety condition really, but yes, my mind has turned against me. I sometimes consider my mind and think " what on earth are you up to now ? " We are not our mind. Its just an organ, and only when you suffer a mental condition do you really see this. Its disturbing to me. This year has been a shock I never saw coming. My nervous system threw in the towel somewhat. Looking back I find that very sad. We should never reach that stage ?

I think once the mental problem causes physical pain, then only pills are the answer to at least find an even keel as quick as possible. Maybe my trouble had a physiological trigger as in an after effects of Covid ? Maybe it was just life after so many years ? 

Tate's last line rings of a Crowley observation that the thoughts of a man of ill health should be questioned even if they are beautiful or entertaining. If I had just experienced the anxiety without the hearing problem then it would have not been so traumatic, but both together was crippling. I guess each case is different and some peoples problems may just be as simple as Tate says, and the victim mindset may be holding someone back. I think thats his biggest beef here really.

How hard can it be ? Its only a cup of tea

 Today I drank a cup of tea in a cafe I use regular work wise. The tea is always too strong, and has been for years. Today I decided to ask for more milk in my brew which I felt a little apprehensive about as everyone else just drinks it as it is.

Of course more milk makes the tea cold so I then asked if I could add some hot water to my mug and explained why. " Well you did ask for more milk " the lady said. I smiled and commented that was the case. She then gave me a look of stone and said " Well you cant have it both ways " in a manner that could not be mistaken for jest. I admit that last line was stolen from Wuthering Heights....lol

Even a cup of tea is no longer simple. People accept the tea, and even if they wanted more milk they would never ask. Its the British way. Smile and never complain or enquire about how you can get a better service. I expect, or seem to get the idea that Americans expect something called " service " and to a much higher degree than the average British person. No wonder they seem demanding when they visit or are portrayed that way.

People can be very polite and give a good service, but rock the boat a little and some seem to drop off a precipice ( wow I spelt that right ) into a stoney cold sulk.

Back to basics ?

 Im really enjoying doing up the bike ive been given for free. Its something to do on dark winter nights in my shed. It really is satisfying. I then find out I'm not the only one in my family working on old stuff that might normally be considered a waste of time.

One cousin has bought a 70's camper van. Its very primitive with no power steering and a carb fed 2 liter engine from the ark I expect. He is enjoying fitting various thing to it and making improvements. His brother has also bought an out of character purchase, an old turbo Audi. Again he has enjoyed tinkering with it after work. He normally buys flash expensive vehicles though. His wife is also acting out of character as she is sanding and painting a second hand table that she bought for £20 as opposed to £800 new as she normally would do. Now that did amuse me. Almost as much as me on a bike did to her !

Its been a terrible year for them as well, and I think its very therapeutic to tinker with something that you normally would have just laughed at once. Getting out of a rut and relieving stress seems to involve these kinds of activity in our family now. Its a common denominator with those of my age. And maybe thats the key, age. A kind of good mid-life crisis ?

Maybe I'm paranoid ?

 Thats 4 parcels that I'm having trouble returning to Amazon. Ive received 4 return scan codes which the post office say there is " something wrong with ". Now 4 printable labels have been emailed, but they wont print off. This has occurred over 2 different accounts. I think they are making it harder to make returns suddenly ? This would tie in with the economic down turn for sure. It was so easy to complete the returns process once. Now its getting beyond worth trying for small items, and that I think is what they are wanting.

This is whats wrong with the UK !

A structural member supporting the cattle grid rails had displaced, causing failure of some rails and instability of the others. It was apparent that the grid was unsafe for vehicles and we had to immediately close the cattle grid. Recognising the disruption that a full road closure would cause to the local community, we have put traffic management in place to divert traffic through the bypass gate adjacent to the grid. We are working on site today to improve the bypass for this traffic and to provide additional signs. Hopefully this will provide a suitable safe alternative to a full road closure, but we will need to monitor the situation and we may have to reappraise if it becomes apparent that traffic cannot safely negotiate the route through the bypass gate.

The nature of the historic proprietary cattle grid, and of the damage to it, mean that a repair solution and timescale is not immediately identifiable. Once the immediate situation has been managed, we will turn our attention to what needs to happen next, and will update you further.

Highways Assets and Strategy | Highways and Transport

Martin Hurley BEng(Hons) CEng MICE

Senior Bridge Engineer

Here is a post from our local community page. How hard can it be to fix a cattle grid ?  A local person could do it in a day. Great Britain indeed...ffs.

Andrew Tate Reacts to Lil Nas X Calling Him Out 😮.

So thats where the erosion comes from....

My mind is glowing...

 Every night I dream, but now the dreams are more subtle, and I cant remember them at all next morning, but occasionally through out the day I experience things that give me little bursts of emotions that those dreams contained. I feel my mind is healing like a subconscious jigsaw puzzle. What ive dreamed at night is obviously linked to my life. Something is going on deep in the mind. I wonder biologically how mental healing occurs ?

The good, the bad and the ugly

 I woke up after a daytime nap this weekend to a fight or flight emotion, but for the first time 9 months I awoke to fight rather than a flight emotion. Better for me, an annoyance for those around me for the next hour or so.

Tonight Im looking back and coming to terms with just how bad this year was for me back in the spring. At times the isolation, pain and anxiety, wandering around unable to relax was utter hell. I realize now how people come to commit suicide, if they felt a worse version of what I was going through or a prolonged one.

I have dark memories of spring weekends stopping at home on my own. The wandering locally, the bloody construction noise next door ect. My garden was my happy place as they say. The misdiagnosis and medication that was a red herring rattled me as spring turned to summer. 

Ive learnt just how much one can suffer and be in hell in your own home. When the mental and physical become intertwined you really are in trouble. Ive been looking back these last few days and admitting to myself all these things. No one knows how its all felt.

The good points are that this condition has improved dramatically in just 9 months. Its seemed a long while, but medically I guess its not. Ive visited many local sites that ive never been to. Ive had some stunning bike rides this summer that have given me a sense of freedom from this valley, and the people here who just work none stop. I value my time now, and am not embarrassed to cycle by. I just think more fool you...Oh, and I forgot the gardening and barbecuing this summer and cooling off in the paddling pool at midnight with my daughter during a thunderstorm. Its been quite a year !

The days of rebellion have gone. Compliance with the vaxx killed it. It was a test you see. What was your price ? Religion bowed, families crumbled and never quite recovered their bonds. Hospitals refused visits to the dying. If they can do all these things to you they can do anything, and will. And you got ill anyway, Gasping for breath, weak , ill...

Andrew Tate on The Death of The UK

Unfortunately true. This is how my wider family mouth off in our kitchen...lol  People are scared to speak their own thoughts online even, but behind closed doors is another matter. This cannot be healthy. Its interesting how other religions dont sell themselves short though ?

Ive never seen a woman portrayed as being linked to fire, water often of course....

I still cant believe it all happened...

 Last night was our traditional yearly bonfire which involves three generations. As usual the food was great, the fire was raging despite it having rained all day, and the fire works werent too loud for me which was pleasant. Anyway when the time came to light the fire the moon had come out and the sky cleared mainly what. Everything seemed to be going swimmingly until I ended up saving potentially  two peoples lives due to ridiculous circumstances that had me despairing of my family. Yes, two people nearly ended up in that fire if it were not for my quick reactions.

The first was my mother who approached the bonfire from a down hill slope. As it had rained all day the mud was very slippery. She started to loose her balance down the slope slipping and sliding towards the fire. I could see she couldnt stop in the last few meters so I ran and grabbed hold of her. She couldnt understand why I found it such a dangerous situation. She was literally slipping down hill towards an inferno. No one else seemed bothered. No one could see a few seconds head that this was a fatal situation. It really shook me and you will see why from the ferocity of the fire.

The second person who was even nearer to falling in to the fire was my cousins son. He is in his twenties and had been drinking before, and after he arrived. As he was wearing only shoes he skidded in the same manor down hill towards the fire, but recovered his composure at the last minute. That gave me a turn to, but things soon got much worse when he approached the fire later that evening to light a sparkler, or was it a marsh mallow ? I dont know, but he fell over again and luckily he fell backwards uphill, and only his feet went into the ashes and fire. Had he fallen over forwards I shudder to think of the burns he would have received. Again I ran across to help him to his feet and prevent him falling forward. No one else bothered to move a muscle, only laugh ! His feet were literally in the glowing ashes. How this situation did not spur any response from three generations I dont know.

I quickly realized I was going to be only me who was responsible for everyone there. No one else had any sense of danger at all. I take that back because my daughter and her friend were probably the most sensible of anyone there.

was as though the fire wanted to take someone. It seemed doomed to happen. I think next year we will have a zero alcohol policy and a cord around the fire which I hate to do as its just so nerdy, but people arent fit near it. It really has come to that.

Im cringing at my blog background now....

 What a bonfire night. I shall post tomorrow when ive had 24 hours to digest this mess. I need some sleep.

Andrew Tate 'The Gender Pay Gap Doesn't Exist'

No doubt you have heard of this controversial guy who has been hounded off various platforms. His words seem very wise here though, and I can see why he gets so much abuse. People are literally scared to say these things, but when you have money you can say what the hell you want !?

How did they know ?

You're Next Official Trailer #1 (2013) - Horror Movie HD

I watched this superior slasher movie tonight. Seems I enjoyed it years ago, and it still impresses me now. It's aged well. I think the fact that a mature family and their partners make up the characters seems more realistic, and the scenes of family politics just adds to the mix. Even the slashers arent two dimensional. Its good, very good. There are odd off moments that are a bit ott or stereo type, but all in all a mean film. Why the cheesy title though when its not a teen movie ? Its very misleading, but there again some of the best films are those that are not what they are marketed as.