Tears of the Dragon ~ Orchestral Version Bruce Dickinson

   



I think this song sums me up !  Ive changed so much in these last few years, beyond what I thought was possible. I guess I have " thrown myself into the sea. "

Bang On Cue

A damned synchronicity has returned as predicted. This has happened for years. Will this haunt me all my life ? Should I return or try to something that nearly destroyed me ? I don't know. If this goes on for years am I missing a sign post, or is the cosmos just messing me about. Maybe I should rob God of his " sport " ! Make no mistake this is important to me. Ive walked away. Am I meant to go back ? Do I ignore for ever more ? Feeling confused. Ive removed the comments option for this post. Now theres a bloody irony after asking so many questions.

I keep losing site of the bigger picture. Acidic streams erode it. By the end of the day the repairs are done though and normality returns. Ive learnt my emotions and insecurities are not governed by the events that disturb me at all. They are formed independently elsewhere and only mingle with these events through pure coincidence and unfortunate timing. The things that upset us are not the source of our troubled emotions, they are just convenient " pegs " we use to hang our moods on. This is a secret of life and I doubt many even realise it.

Seek And Ye Shall Find ?

Mmmmm, psychological tests. Well a while ago I took one, the on line type I may add. The after affects were quite unpleasant. I did not enjoy the experience. Not only did I fair badly, but I found it very hard to relate to the questions as they were often in the form of very subjective situations often revolving around what traits I thought should be a priority in differing circumstances. Often these were social conundrums that were placed before me, and often ones that I cant relate to, such as a work scenario set in an office or large group of colleagues. I found making a decision on these questions most vexing.
   I don't pretend to be the picture of normality, but I think these tests very quickly demoralise. The very fact that some of us have made it past mentally horrific life events relatively unscathed proves that we are not made of conventional stuff. Conventional thinking would have failed us. The fact I found myself classed as " unhealthy " in this test is nothing to be ashamed of, rather just the taint upon me that events have left. A taint is better than a medicated normality I believe. I witness this difference everyday.
  Still that doesn't take away the deep uneasiness of " failing " a test, but its not the end of the world, and we all know ourselves anyway what our vices are, and we don't really need a test to blatantly tell us our faults. And I just thank my lucky stars that my job does not rest on the results. Well if Im looking for an up side my " aggressive side " and my sense of " individuality " are strong !! I think that's good, no ?? Some may say not... ( and Im sure its an open secret but there is no normality anymore, never mind normal people. Life has put paid to that ! )

Blue Steel: the movie

 


By pure accident I came across this post on You Tube . Remember I wrote about the person I most feared ever being like ? Well, it seems ive found him....

Insert Your Own Caption

Really ?!

Apologies, I know its Christmas night, but what I just heard on my radio is an example of the insanity of fate.  A few days ago a Dustbin wagon ran over and killed 6 people who were Christmas shopping in Glasgow.

 Today a man in Manchester was charged with running over and killing someone. 

But worst of all ive just heard an Ambulance, oh yes, an ambulance in Scotland has run over and killed someone who worked at an ambulance station. This happened in the ambulance station car car park on Christmas day  !!!  There is almost a very dark humour working here.  Whats going on ???   More of these incidents will occur, you watch !


Last year over Christmas a Police helicopter hit a crane and crashed into a Glasgow pub killing I think it was about 10 people. Again this was over Christmas too.

A Dark Fantasy ?

How feasible is a rapid and complete break of our Western society ?  Who really knows ? Well I know from bitter experience how fast the collapse can take hold. About 10 years ago we had a national strike amongst the wagon tanker drivers who delivered our petrol to the petrol pumps. In most reasonable sized towns a tanker arrives every night to top up supplies. After 3 days of picketing and no deliveries, food supplies were running low on shop shelves in the North of our country. Our then Prime Minster Tony Blair happened to be visiting the North East and stumbled upon these scenes. He delivered a prompt press conference saying he was calling in the Army to deliver the fuel. He was literally sweating as he spoke. He was caught unawares as this was happening outside and far from our capitol, London
    Everything is on a knife edge in our society. This fact hit me I remember, when I saw how quiet the roads were, including the motorways during those few days. This is just a little reminder of how fragile or society is, and ive never forgotten it. Extra fuel was delivered of course for the Police Force. Food, Law and Order and the Economy could very quickly have collapsed. It doesn't take much when we rely so heavily on one factor. ie; fuel  Just imagine what could happen if we were armed as many in America are. I don't need to say any more...  

Christmas, My Way.

My Christmas isn't exactly ideal nowdays. Ever since I left school I have never had any full days off work over Christmas, this been mainly due to farm animals needing feeding everyday. There have also been years when problems such as frozen water pipes have obliterated my Christmas spirit. I do manage to have a few afternoons off, but again a certain amount of work is to do everyday. I envy people who have weeks off at this time of year, no wonder they are full of festive cheer. That said things could be worse, its just that it really seems to matter at this time of year. I never really switch off either. Add to this my low mood due to the dark days and things aren't nice.
    My parents are coming to our house for Christmas dinner tomorrow, but are leaving soon after to visit my Sister for a few days, so I will have all the routine work to do on the farm. It will take me a little longer and I shall still get some time during the day off, but it doesn't go down well. and after years this annoyance accumulates. Of course at their age they deserve to get away, but that doesn't help me really. This is the time of year it gets to me. And yes, they are hyped up too...There are quite a few parallels that I can relate too if your less then satisfied with this season, mainly because Ive been there and still am.
   On a positive note my daughter is nearly three and giving her presents is a bright spark in this grotty picture. I guess time off is the biggest necessity needed to enjoy Christmas as without it all is a bit pointless really !

Living Death

Have you ever reached a stage when you feel so utterly saturated by a mood that you start to feel your very soul and body are made up of a single glib emotion that's 100% refelected back at you by every god damn annoying mundane move you make everyday ? Its as if poison has changed my DNA. I feel such a deep anger that its permeated every pore of my body. Outside is a direct connection to this feeling; drizzle, mud, darkness, haze and false Christmas cheer. My mouth is dry, belly too full, eyes tired and forehead sore. I,m trapped in a dark glass, but occasionally my mood lifts briefly , Im free for a moment, then all descends and Im back here again in a prison, kind off. That's a strange idea, why don't I struggle to get out ? Because there is no out side anymore, its all gone. No one fact is to blame either, it just is.


This is seasonal disorder. Thank god it doesn't last too long at this level. I wouldnt last...

Rubbish ! Whats Right Is Unstoppable

If your unhappy or struggling then I don't need to tell you that youre on the WRONG path.

I have to say that the idea that only people who can perceive the supernatural on earth, will  ever  be able to perceive  or enter heaven, is one of the most beautiful, original and intoxicating ideas ive ever heard. Its a truly beautiful thought, and why not ? It makes perfect sense. I feel this idea is a very important sign post. I guess some out there will be no doubt be shaking their heads ! And I would dare anyone to disprove this concept. Period.

My daughter is nearly three years old and I haven't seen a lot of her these last few days, and when I looked at her tonight I got a shock. That toddler she was has gone from her, and the essence of the woman she will become has arrived in her eyes. Her eyes are more outlined and contain more sparkle. She is more little girl than toddler now. Her sentences are long and articulate for her age, though she can still throw a tantrum ! Ive noticed girls when growing up can exhibit short bursts of behaviour in which they appear older than they are , but this is only temporary and easily mis-leading. I don't know why but its worthy of a post somehow.

Two Tribes ?

Well, I had quite a manic night last night, and I did quite a lot of thinking. You know ive come to see there are two types of person, one can see the mystical side of life, and one never will. I am forced to admit that we who can clearly see this world are a step above those who cant. Am I an arrogant 8*$$£%^ ! ?
    Most people just breed, work, then die. Simple. Some find religion and I must say that is a start, well at least some kind of idea has taken route, if none at all occurs then are we not just a drone lost in the masses ? It also saddened me this week to be asked the question-

" Do you sometimes like to see more in life than is actually there ? Are you so bored you need to feel something exists out there ? If so then I can understand why ! "

It was at this point I felt quite sad as this person had no idea and was so far away from realising how I tick that it was tragic. A few days later came the next  corker that made my blood boil -


" Now don't go filling your daughters head full of your rubbish when she gets older ! "

Again a gapping chasm opened up and a dull fury inside me replied that-

 " Maybe I should fill her full of the worlds rubbish instead ! "

I know I have changed in these last 5 years, a lot, maybe more than I even know. Give up and let it go ! You will never reach those who will not see the mystical side of life. They are to busy popping pills and praying !!! Sorry, that was a little harsh, but true as far as my world goes.

I feel a bit unwell tonight as ive finally had to admit something. In fact as I realised the following statement I cut myself shaving. Basically ( and it turns my stomach to admit this ) everything is connected. The people ive come across in life all have connections between each other. It gets worse as these connections are often included to some degree in classic novels and their plot lines. Its sounds mad, but its true and ive seen enough to convince myself. Why has no one ever spoke about this ?? O.k ive simplified this fact as im not able to really explain it in the manner it deserves. All life is connected some what as a pattern or web.

What becomes of the broken hearted ? Why we blog of course !!

"  Each act of man is the twist and double of a hare. Love and Death are the greyhounds that course him... "

I got quite a surprise a few days ago. A blogger I follow who rarely makes a post, and when he does so chooses a casual subject, suddenly posted a long piece stating his dilemma on whether or not to start writing about his recent loss of a girl friend back to a just friends status. He had thought this woman may well have been a good replacement for his ex-wife, such were his feelings for her...This was a very big change in his blogs subject manner, and if he happens to read this then I hope he decides to tell his story. Again rather like me he has the occasional reader ( maybe ) in the real world which is slightly putting him off. I think he will soon post, well Im hoping so. We are often all in the same boat I think at one stage of life or another.

Suffer The Children

So far this month ;     A Mother jumps to her death with her baby near Bristol

                                   A dead baby is found in a bin at Richmond in Yorkshire

                                   Today a dead baby has been found in a recycling station at Bradford

                                   And finally a Vicar and daughter have been charged with concealing a birth
                                   and suspicion of murder


We have a pattern here, but why ???

I Am A Disgrace !!

Im in a damned funny mood at the moment. This week I awoke with a searing pain in my legs and could barely walk. Although a bit better now Ive been for an X-ray as it keeps occurring now and again. I hobble through the cold pissing rain. Isnt it great ?

Second whinge is my mouth. My gums are so sore ( but nothing to see ) that Im having trouble eating which isn't fun at all. Im also foul tempered and foul mouthed at the moment. I admit Im a disgrace just now. My seasonal disorder is worsening and I lack any motivation.

As expected though Im enjoying my blogs more again and seem to be tapping into some new and old seams. I also am planning to train a new sheep dog puppy next year and I shall make post updates on Drifting. I really need something like that at the moment to focus on. It will do me the world of good.

Why am I renewing all my tools too ?

Life is in slow motion
24hours feels like a week

 

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2868352/How-Red-Sea-really-parted-Moses-used-knowledge-tides-ensure-safe-crossing-Israelites-instead-waiting-miracle-expert-claims.html?ito=social-facebook       http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2868352/How-Red-Sea-really-parted-Moses-used-knowledge-tides-ensure-safe-crossing-Israelites-instead-waiting-miracle-expert-claims.html?ito=social-facebook

Is ending better than the mending ?

Sometimes we cant understand why certain situations end. We cant see a reason why. Some things end for no other reason than they must. This is not caused by any actions of you, or indeed anyone else. There is a higher reason and it is just so. If you are caught feeling puzzled and lost at your loss, then whatever you coveted had probably left before you realised. We do not set the working life of any situation . Not every event has its defining characteristics built by those involved, again a higher force is often working.
   I do however know that what affects us mentally will affect the body one terrible day. A while ago I experienced this as I tried to speak to someone, but my mouth would not open physically. It was the damndest thing. Very unsettling, I felt betrayed by my own mind. I guess it finally got sick of the trauma I put it through. Yes, eventually the body will rebel, ive seen it in others to. Its the final halt, and when it happens it is way too late to fix things...

Elemental, nature spirit or seasonal entity ?

This morning as I lay in bed a strange image suddenly appeared as a vision in my minds eye. It was not my imagination, it was far too clear and it happened too fast for that, and it was not proceeded by any kind of thought. This is not the first time this has happened, though its a few years since the last one.
  What I saw was a very vivid image of an shapeless dark jade green rock type object that spun upon its self constantly as it passed very quickly through my minds eye, very much like a comet really. Upon its surface were tear dropped patterns of blue and red. This was all over in a second, but I sensed the objects majesty and power as the object revolved past my minds eye. It was all it was, and nothing more. I sensed no emotion accompanying it, only grandeur and a cold simple existence of it symbolising what I think is a seasonal entity. Colin Wilson may have called it an elemental or nature spirit. I strongly sensed that, and I find it essential to include this to make clear how profound I feel this image was.
  A while ago I saw a very vivid image of two animals dressed as humans in blacks of great richness and textures. They were too real. Again if you have had a vision you will know the difference between imagination and day dreaming. If youre reading this blog then you have probably experienced something similar.

On a night like this...

Tonight a storm is blowing. The wind is roaring through the tree tops and we have lost electric to a few lights in an ancient farm building that was built in the 1800's. Its a large long stone building with round windows and arch ways. It often loses electric in stormy December, and it always then takes on an brooding atmosphere when its all pitch black as it would have been once years ago.
   This building dominates the whole farm yard. At this time of year I feel a direct line back to the olden days, its in the atmosphere of a stormy night such as tonight. Its a tight precise aura. Its always been this way all my life. It just takes a December night like this to unleash it and bring it all to the surface again for a short while. Its a morose feeling, an icy feeling, but not threatening.
   This building used to house slaves as late as the 1800's and was owned by the notorious Sith family who were one, if not the last people in Britain to give up slavery, not for moral reasons like everyone else, but only when the law finally demanded they did so. Last Spring some of their descendants chatted to me as they were looking around the Manor House next door as it was and still is up for sale. They were rather apologetic when I asked who they were. I guess their family name still carries notoriety.
  So what happened to the slaves of Dent once they were released ? Well legend has it they went beserk and attacked the locals. They were then rounded up and killed in a river which ran red ! Yes I live in a strange valley. I could tell you some modern horror tales that have happened here, but you wouldn't believe me !




Whernside Manor is just one of the sites rumoured to have been the inspiration behind Wuthering Heights. The above is our barn which joins Whernside Manor grounds. I recall a character who lived in an out building in the novel, who is described as peering out of a round window at the beginning of the book. This character looked after the visitors horses in the novel, and  strangely horses were kept in this building of ours long ago at one time as the steel loops they were tied to are still intact out side, as are the hooks on which the livery was hung...That seems like a nice piece of evidence  to support the fact that maybe Emily Bronte did visit here in the past. Who knows ??

Tickford Capri

                            "  Hubcaps on my eyes, devils sympathise... "

Oh, I say !

Ive noticed a rather wry or crass sense of humour that creeps into war. Maybe its a defence mechanism, maybe its designed to boost moral ? Writing slogans on bombs is a relatively new idea, but I came across a chilling and sarcastic example of this humour while watching a series about the World Wars. One of the first prototype tanks to be used in anger in WW1 had painted on its side in gay bold happy letters
 " Oh, I Say ! "  I guess it was a slight understatement of what the German soldiers might have been thinking or saying as they saw this machine advancing towards their lines for the first time. I guess humour was as precious as gold in this terrible field of war, maybe it was all men had left ?

Dior J'adore - "The future is gold" - The new film

    



"  The past can be beautiful, the memories...but its no place to live... "

It Cant Be Accidental

There are some very nice cars out there that stand out from the crowd, and there are some cars that stand out from the crowd, but for all the wrong reasons. The smart cars look nice, and  are often modified, low and well polished. They stand out on the street and hit you in the face.
   Now equally as fascinating to me anyway is the much rarer car that grabs my attention for the wrong reasons. It is often comically filthy, battered to ridiculous degree and has various  loose body work half hanging off . Wheels are often rusty, interior full of rubbish. Both these classes of car do not exist by accident. Both are the product of a conscious effort. Both owners are showing off in my eyes, and are equally happy with their creations...
  I sometimes look at the comically battered cars, those that have taken real effort to achieve a level of such deterioration, and wonder just what kind of life the owners lead. Are the rest of their lives lived in such a reckless nihilistic manner ? Make no mistake those owners are just a voyeuristic as the polished show car driver, but in a more twisted rebellious way.

Essence of December

 

 

 

 

Swinging from boredom to revulsion. This is going to be another classic December. Already daily Im with drawing, condensed now onto this blog. Strange how each December the darkness increases greatly past a point or length of time you thought you could recall compared to last year. My moods like death and its only the start of the month...However this is a productive state of mind and Im writing poetry, its dark and some may find it unpalatable. It will get weirder yet Im sure... Oh, and has the whole world logged off ? My fb and blog are suddenly barely getting any traffic, all of a sudden as well. Im blaming the shopping season !?

Anthrax - Belly Of The Beast [Lyrics]