Well that was unpleasant

 Something new happened to me this week that totally caught me off guard. While watching a sheep  being cut open by a Vet to get the lambs out after a problematic attempt to give birth I began to feel very unwell. The feeling set off like a sweaty, head swimming panic attack. I saw strange light patterns in my vision that I once remember reading were signs of a coming migraine. It all came on without warning.

Feeling more than a bit off color I was given a glass of water in the reception area before going outside to be sick, which quickly turned  into me passing out in the car park. Next thing I knew people were helping me up and I couldnt work out what had happened. I'd grazed my head and knees as I fell and sprained my hand. Its a helpless feeling laid on the ground and you know you're helpless. Body and mind have let you down.

After some tea and chocolate biscuits I gradually started to feel better but was left shaken by the unexpectedness of it all.  This has never happened to me before despite seeing gory things on the farm. Again I have found something else in me that I dont feel is me. I didnt find the operation disturbing at all, but something in my brain did, and thats annoying  part to me. Its a change. A change in my mental state that is now more likely to be knocked off balance by subtle things such as a dog barking or anything that my mind deems threatening. My calibration has changed and is a reminder that pills cannot totally wipe you affliction away. 

One specific thought I had as the Vet cut open the sheep was that we are all just flesh and blood in the end. A sack of guts, bones and a brain thats advanced ,or so it seems. Everyone I know is just different sacks of bits and bobs joined by a back bone. Its very easy to think we are gods and pure magic. Maybe this is what scared me so much ?