My life is turning into everything I dont want and anything that made me happy has been taken away. 

Angry is not the word. Existential boredom and rage are building. I explode daily.

Anxiety

 Sam feels anxiety

 He is anxious about that which should not be

 He is not anxious about what he should be

This also makes him also feel anxious that he feels no anxiety about what he should

He is anxious others may see he is anxious about what he should not be

Others are anxious he is not anxious about what he should be

If he stops being anxious about what he shouldnt be and be more anxious about what he should, then he will have even more reason to be anxious

If he starts being more anxious about what he should be then others will be less anxious about him not being anxious about what he should be

All thats died down now...

 

December Descent - A Summary ?

Kirkby Lonsdale Church

A strange tree I found at Ruskins View

 I went for a walk today to a local beauty spot. It was a bitterly cold but dry day. I swear the weather has improved since Covid slashed the number of planes flying over head. We have longer settled spells of weather it seems... It doesnt take a leap of imagination to predict I would start another label charting the rise of my expectations and spirits again. Its a cycle. A yearly cycle that is measured in fine increments of a day at a time often.

 So what did I learn through December Descent ?  I learnt the dark descent is out of my control and is a very physical affair driven by physical events that are beyond my control... and NOT a mental one that I can snap out of ! I cannot prevent that dark cloud that passes over this place at Christmas. Basically all I can do is sit tight until it passes over.

I have a theory as to why this is happening though and as to why an atmosphere so contrary to the general Christmas spirit takes me over. Are you sat down ? Basically I know for a fact that there did here reside a man called Richard Sutton who was in his childhood raised as a slave even though he was white. I often wonder how he felt as a child living amongst the manor house slaves and how he must have felt viewing others in privilege from his dire circumstances. Maybe Christmas was a very disturbing time for him and maybe those very negative energies take charge here in December ? 

So what became of Richard Sutton ? Why he only returned to this valley as an adult and bought his masters manor house and much land and farms in the valley. Of course he is often considered to be the inspiration behind the character of Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. And like Heathcliff he was very bitter man on all accounts and not a man to be messed with. Maybe his spirit lives on here ? Maybe this is why so many things go wrong here at Christmas. A host of miserable slaves suffering would not leave many happy energies behind here either. We then get into the territory of curses...oh, and that reminds me my family was one of 4 in the 17th century who were " cursed " for fighting in a church yard. Im doomed..

New Years Day Remix Instrumental

  

I post this every year and every year I swear I see new images here. This strange film captures how life feels now ive turned 50. That sounds awful but a kind of despair has set in and a resigned fact that the best may be over. Life is fragile and mysterious but also more obvious somehow.